Quote:
Originally Posted by TooManyDays
I would never just "throw" my wife away. I think I should have earned a tiny bit of credit by living in this partnership monogamously for almost twenty years. Expressing true doubts and desires shouldn't automatically make me disloyal. I'm not manipulative. I don't take advantage of people. I'm a confused person who wants to do the right thing, and I'm torturing myself by weighing my own sadness against the happiness of others. I'm trying to make an impossible decision. It's a decision with no correct answer, which is why suicide enters the equation. I can't allow that. I've been suicidal before. I never want to go back there. I want live my life happily and peacefully, or else just peacefully even with sadness.
I don't have a problem emotionally connecting with people. I have very deep bonds of friendship in my life. I have a specific problem emotionally connecting with my wife that has been impossible to correct for many, many years. I'm tempted by the lure of love and a deeper connection, and paralyzed by the fear of regret. I'm not on the Autism spectrum, but if I were I'd proudly admit it.
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Perhaps you know in your heart what you want to do (leave) but you don't want it to be painful for anyone concerned. My ex left and it ruined my life. He told me that sometimes one has to step on the happiness of others in order to be happy. In this case it was my happiness and my child's happiness. It is now many years later and I am still suffering. He is happily remarried. When my ex was in our marriage he grew so miserable he made it miserable for everyone. I had about 10 or 15 years of being really very happy then my life ended for all practical purposes. I am glad my ex is happy now because someone should be. I am not saying what is right or wrong. I am saying you can't make a change without it being painful. Unlike your marriage mine started out very passionately. Doesn't matter. When it goes it goes. When my ex decided he was no longer attracted me physically or emotionally it was over. However, my values were different and I appreciated him and the marriage. That's what I wanted and valued. I am really not judging you. Whatever happens happens. When a person falls out of love or wants something different all the counseling in the world isn't going to bring back desire.