Hi SaraSkyBlue! Sorry to take so long getting back. I don't mean to be flakey. Computer has not been cooperative, so the phone it is. Unfortunately, that means no tidy layout with multiple quotation zones. Warning: very long.

I had to smile a bit when you remembered thinking his BP wouldn't be an issue at all. Neither did my BF! Until he actually saw episodes. It was pretty obvious it was not what he had figured on.

I can relate to the fighting issue. He fans that fire for sure. I can get pretty emotional, but it is often a case of him knowing exactly where my buttons are. He's tuned into that kind of thing. He thinks that I can't feel/understand his pain, so if he's going to hit emotional overload, by God, he's going to try to make me go there too. So I can "understand" his pain. But it doesn't accomplish that. I want to problem solve. Work as a team. Figure out a win/win. But that's hard to do when an emotional tsunami hits. He wants to explode with some kind of proclamation -- very black/white stuff. In one stroke, I am villianized, and the of all problems. The hit-and-run style. There is no need to hear "my side", because he already "knows" it. But it's based on a lot of assumption and misinterpretation. Too much reading into. It's something to be careful of. The danger in feeling so attuned (like what you mention about the slightest change of tone) is that meaning gets ascribed where none is intended. You're frustrated because he won't acknowledge/admit this interpretation, and he's frustrated because he suddenly has to respond to something that didn't exist to him. Maybe his head is spinning trying to figure out where the dots are, let alone how they got connected. But it's been pushed into responding. And like you say, then he DOES get mad.

Well.... yeah. (I *think* DBT might be a help with that. Would part of distress tolerance be the not getting so worked up and feeling compelled to push things(?)) Takes me quite awhile to get back to calm too. Fair to say that's pretty common with BP. (Is that not also so with BPD? Are you able to calm down quickly afterwards? I get the whole being "so angry or sad, then something nice happens and suddenly it's all good again" BPD thing, but... In the absence of that "change-maker" (ie., because he is still upset), can you still?)

You said your emotions run your life. DBT is all about that for sure -- getting those emotions out of the driver's seat! One time, I remember my BF exclaiming, "I am NOT going to let my emotions rule my life anymore!!" (Can I get that in writing? ) To be fair, he'd like banishment of some of my dealiwogs in writing too.

You said, "And his emotions change out of nowhere, not like what people stereotype BP to be like. In all honesty, BPD is MUCH closer to the stereotype of BP..."
I very much agree with this. BPD switches appear to be out of nowhere, but BP switches actually can be out of nowhere. No trigger required. This baffles my BF too. But there it is. The stereotype is frustrating, because so often the level of chaos attributed to BP actually describes BPD. I've always felt bad for the level of chaos in BPD folk's emotional lives. It must be exhausting. (Insert plug for DBT here )

Blank out of nowhere. Depressed out of nowhere. Yes. And there really isn't anything you can do about it. Pushing, as in the fighting situation, will not help. It can even make it worse. Why? Because BP folks are forever being told if they just did this that or the other, it'd all be good. A) If it were that simple, we'd have done it long ago and B) it can be guilt-producing. And depression is Guilt Land as it is. Yes, he just has to ride it out. You can't fix it.

Sorry. This is ridiculously long!! I'm going to do a separate post in response to the rest. Because if I hit something wrong and the whole thing disappeared, I'd

P.s. And especially in regards to conflict. I can powder keg explode with the best if 'em. I am no saint! I do believe in fighting fair, and try to follow it. But ye gawds I can be rageful too. (Not all BPs are though! I want to put in a word for the ones who don't rage, because Too many people assume otherwise.)