I've been very reckless this week. I think I've changed and not for the better. I don't consider others feelings this week. I kissed two girls, well one is woman who is trans mtf and the other was the one I was interested in.

It doesn't matter at first because I got a month left, but I destroyed a close friend because kidding both of them at different times.

I wasn't taking it serious at first, because we aren't dating, but it was disrespectful.

I crave affection like it's a drug. I get so stupid and inconsiderate of everyone because when I recieve affection I don't appreciate it. I use it because I don't believe in love. I'll give and recieve, but I'm horrible at receiving because I used to hiding my feelings always and never feel like they will like what they see so if I'm an asshole that's all they should see.

People throw me away all the time so I said **** it and stopped trying like awhile ago. This week was the final result of that.

I called my mom told her how she ****ed up, that I became and chose to be a jerk to everyone's feelings because I never had my feelings validated and so I just hated people. The abscence of love is hate and sadness and so I should not be in a relationship ever not date period. Just shut it out. period, I just myself and too many others. I'm done with it.

I read that to heal this I should be loved in a way I've never experienced. I dream of that everyday. I try to force it by meeting people constantly wearing myself out and feeling emptier and lonelier. I got high alot because I would forget my sense of self and pretend this is a bad dream.

I could be a wealthy man or a poor man of material possessions and finances and it wouldn't make a difference. It wouldn't matter if I'm bi, or abused or have medical problems people consistently shown they don't care and the balance of mindfulness like c'mon.

When I was beaten all the time no one came to my aid. Why should I have someone now. Like I started with no one it's only practical.