Email was always helpful for me. It reduced my obsessiveness and reassured me that she was out there somewhere, and still cared, even if we were not actually together. It helped me hold onto a connection with her between sessions, rather than going through what almost felt like a painful withdrawal after ever session, which would result in my feeling disconnected and emotionless the following week. It was almost impossible to work that way because it felt like I was in protective armor and could not access my emotions or any feelings of attachment. So yes, it helped me.

What damaged me was when my t decided down the road that she no longer wanted to receive so many emails from me, or such long emails, that would require her to read and reply so much. Although I understood and complied the best I could to her request, it hurt badly because I wasn't using the email as a crutch. At the time, I really did need it to keep that connection alive inside me, rather than losing all awareness of it once I left her office.

To be told that she didn't want to hear from me so much, or have to read so much about my feelings, felt awful. It felt like she had stopped caring about me and that my feelings didn't matter to her as much anymore. It mnade me feel ashamed, like I was a pest and a burden, which was exactly the way I felt with my mom as a little girl. I complied with my t's request and backed way off, emailing only when an absolute last resort. But it damaged our relationship and our work together.

Now, my t sometimes encourages me to email if I need her support. But it instantly brings up feelings of guilt and shame. The trigger of "old stuff" with my mom. And since I know my t didn't really want me to bother her with my emails in the past, I find it hard to believe she honestly wants me to do it now. I think she offers because she thinks now that it would help me. But I can't do it without feeling bad. I don't want to be a burden.