Quote:
Originally Posted by TooManyDays
Yes, I've considered that. It seems unlikely. I don't have many of the documented symptoms or feelings. My insecurities are well known and not a secret to my friends and family. Most people tell me I'm too hard on myself, but maybe that's just a variation of the condition. I've taken an online test that indicates I'm not even close to that diagnosis. But it's worth posing this question to my therapist. If I do have narcissistic personality disorder, then man, I don't know what to do. That seems hopeless.
I do think I'm special, but in the same sense that I think everyone is special and unique. I think my wife is special. It just doesn't make me love her in a romantic way.
I still think it's most likely that the basic problem is that I felt repressed as an adolescent and young adult. I felt unworthy of anything. When a young woman came along and wanted me, I gratefully accepted her affection and tried to reciprocate it. In my mind I was going to reward her with loyalty and affection, and make myself love her as fully as possible. I ignored my doubts because I wanted so badly to meet her love with my own. I think I unconsciously tried the "fake it until you make it" strategy, but it never materialized.
I still can't tell what romantic love should feel like. I'd love to know how a really satisfying long term romantic relationship should feel. Can anyone describe that to me?
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Your story sounds so similar to mine with my ex-spouse I am going to have to stop responding to your posts as I might be triggered. Especially this last post. I think every single thing you said is exactly how my ex-spouse felt. I think the one thing that is different is that there was a lot of passion and romance present in our relationship. Although my ex is not a full blown narcissist, he does have some of these qualities, and I am sure you know that at the core of narcissism is insecurity. That is really narcissism it in a nutshell. It's a compensatory disorder.
My ex-spouse went on to remarry. He even called me before remarrying to excitedly tell me he had met his soul mate. I wasn't sure what that meant because I thought
we were soul mates, having met and bonded at an early age.
One thing my ex told me at the time of the divorce always stayed with me. He said everyone creates a story that is their life. It isn't fact. It is just the story one creates. So if my ex created a story that he never really loved me, and that story enabled him to leave me and marry another...well, you can see how everyone's story benefits them.
My ex fell in love with his new soul-mate in mid-life, among other things such as getting tattoos, buying a sports car, setting up a man-cave apartment etc. etc. I felt his behavior was ridiculous.
Falling in love is for youth, in my opinion. I had a lovely passion for my ex, which was reciprocated, when we were quite young. We are selfishly absorbed in one another, we went out often and had an active social life, traveled, danced, partied, and enjoyed life. He was my everything and I was his everything. Being young and pretty and with little responsibilities outside of one's own life lends itself to passion and romance.
You are already past that and what you are longing for seems a bit ridiculous but go for it. What do you want from PC? Permission? Not to be judged? Support to leave your wife and child?
Just do whatever you are going to do, and be responsible for the consequences. Good Luck.