well... appointment at the mental health clinic june 2nd...
terrified... but what can you do...
just hope i can hold it together... and dont freak out and run away...
having someone observe me and having to try to talk about things is just really horrifying... makes me want to resort to my substances to forget but even if i chose to i dont have access to anything so im up the creek without a paddle
i'll just bite the bullet one more time and hope they can take my fear away and help me to calm down so i can try to open up one more time...

i hate fear... so much, i know im going to just zone out completely this time and im not sure how im going to handle it
just hope they dont want to put me on a bunch of meds all at once again because i dont wanna be drugged up on those things... lost pretty much all the zyprexa weight so i dont wanna gain any again for sure...
i just wanna be normal

thanks for allowing me to just be.. here... i know im confusing, but im really confused so i cant help it.. i have obsessive tendencies as well so i really cant help it...
just dunno how i can be so sick ya know, its really shameful to me because everyone used to idolize me, in the sense that i was the sane one and the one that was able to help and be a "genius" and ... whatever but turns out im crazier than all of them put together, you know?

but it is what it is... i always knew i wasn't normal, but i just never really talked about it because i didnt want to stand out or change the perception people had of me..

i feel nauseous with fear and intimidation...