Hi there. I’m new here. My name is RJ and I’m a female college student attempting to reach out and learn more about depression for the first time. I don’t really know what I’m doing here, but any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Some brief history: about 4 years ago in the 11th grade I had a terrible year and felt incredibly sad for about 10 months because of life circumstances beyond my control. My mother sent me to a therapist a few times and she diagnosed me with mild depression, but I don’t think a medical note was ever made on it, and I was never medicated. I stopped seeing the therapist not long after and a few months after that, my situation changed and I improved. Last year, I felt the first recurrence of depressed feelings for two or three months because of a terrible roommate situation I was in, but the feelings went away again after I was able to change rooms.

This year, I have felt more or less depressed since January, without any significant length of time feeling normal/happy. There are a lot of reasons why I feel down, but sometimes I feel sad without there being a specific reason. That, combined with the fact that I feel a more intense sadness than I used to, makes me think I have something serious going on.

The depressed feeling always starts off for me because of feeling lonely or unloved. I have always been pretty introverted and had trouble making friends, and this year especially I have felt like most of my college friendships are superficial or like I’m their second choice, and that has eaten away at me a little bit. I also feel like I might have some anxiety going on because I’ve been extremely self-conscious in social situations and very afraid of being judged for not having friends or not fitting in. It’s kind of scary because I’ve never thought of myself as one to be prone to that kind of anxiety. I feel like there are tons of smaller things that get me down on a daily basis, and it is really easy for me right now to just feel like every area of my life is wrong.

I’ve been trying to find a summer job for over a month now, and yesterday I found out that I didn’t get a job that I really felt like I was going to be hired for, and the disappointment was crushing. Then today, I forgot one small thing at a friend’s house and it was like that was the last straw. Neither of those two things should’ve upset me as much as they did, but I think they “broke the dam” of my suppressed emotions, if that makes sense. I’ve felt indescribably depressed all day. I barely ate or got out of bed, and took two 3 hour naps. When I wasn’t napping, I was watching TV or lost in my own thoughts. I’m scaring myself a little. I feel empty and apathetic and sort of hopeless, to a degree that I don’t think is logical. I’m avoiding friends, nothing seems exciting to me, and even ordinary tasks feel too hard.

But I’m also having a strangely hard time explaining how I feel to others, like even right now I’m struggling. Right now, during the summer, it is only my best friend and I in our apartment. We are friends of 10 years so she knows me well and has seen me through these episodes before, but today was straining for us. She noticed how off I was and how I didn’t want to get out of bed and was concerned. She tried to talk to me about it and get me to talk about how I feel, but I just couldn’t. For some reason, as soon as she tried to ask me about how I was feeling, it’s like I stopped being able to speak. Like there was some invisible wall separating me from her. There were a lot of long awkward silences, and I could tell that she was sad from my lack of responsiveness. I feel like a terrible friend, and I don’t know how to tell her how I feel because I don’t even know how I feel. I think she is struggling to understand that I am not always sad for a reason and that sometimes I don’t know exactly why I feel the way I do. I think it is frustrating to her that she can’t help me and that she can’t understand. I feel pretty guilty about it though. I feel like a terrible friend for causing her to worry and be sad for me, and for not being able to be a better friend to her right now. She hasn’t left me or anything, and is being as supportive as she can without being able to quite understand, but I still feel guilty for the state I’m in, and I also don’t want to be a burden to her. I just want to be able to be normal so I can act like a real friend again.

Sorry this message is so long, but thank you for reading it. This is my first time trying something like this, so any response is appreciated. I guess the things I’m really concerned with are 1) What I should do next (Do I need a clinical diagnosis? Should I try to get on medication or go to therapy? How do I do that?) 2) What are some things I can start doing right now to help myself or cope? 3) How can I help the situation with my best friend/roommate? How can I help her to understand while being a better friend to her? 4) Any other general advice and encouragements/personal success stories much appreciated. Thank you so much.