Okay, you asked for an opinion, so I will give you mine. ~Thanks!

So many of your posts are wrapped up in spiritual stuff that I think you are very distant from reality. I think wrapping yourself up in Christian music and prayers etc. has sent you to a place where you are not dealing with just every day things, and everything is seeming to become too meaningful. I think your overly obsessed with religion, and rather then helping you, it is causing you to bask in this alternate reality. ~This I fear the most. I don't think I can control it. It has happened before and it lead to a daunting, terrifying psychotic episode.

I suggest you focus on your hands, and try to stop your mind wandering. Direct your hands to do good works. Wiping off a counter should be just that. Putting on your clothes should be just that. I think you need to grab ahold of yourself and focus hard on only what you can see. Stop spending so much time dreaming of invisible possibilitites and get back to what you CAN be responsible for. ~I just have to wrap my mind around it and not go from the belief that I have to fight for my salvation to I'm going to hell. Living in the moment is very difficult when everything is crumbling around me.

I think your Christian therapist has the first agenda of pushing Christian beliefs, and the second agenda of correctly diagnosing you and helping you to become well. I think they are part of the problem, proof in them believing you should get a job. I think your Pdoc sounds good, and you should follow their advice. ~ I realize why you believe this and it is hard to describe my reasoning but my therapist doesn't push her Christian beliefs; she helps solidify my own beliefs and she helps me to discern reality from what's in my head.I haven't spoken most of this to her because it only occurred to me that it is an issue in that I am noticing past habits. Plus, I don't want to stir any pot as I may have to battle for custody.

I think Religion doesn't need to be in every single waking hour for a person to be good. I think your obsession with Religion caused you some of the problems with your husband, and will continue too as long as you feel that Religion is smarter then your own inner heart. ~I agree with you and I am not usually so obsessed. I'm not sure what has sparked this. I fear it is me going insane again. l don't know how to turn it off.

Just because a person says they are Religious or Christian doesn't mean they are making the right choices, and just because another person may be athiest, agnostic, muslim, or buddhist doesn't mean they are a worse person. Following only 1 way of believing enters in judgement, and control. ~I agree with most of what you say but I don't believe following one belief causes judgement and control (unless that person is a radical zealot).

You can get some of your mind back to being balanced if you stop overly focusing on every single moment as having some great meaning and let things just be what they are. Also, you don't have to go to the funeral. Reminder - your husband has said he doesn't want you. He can't be allowed to lean on you only when he wants too. The timing of this death might lead him to think about bigger things then just himself right now. He might even be rethinking his recent decision, but too much crazy wife will solidify it instead of helping him to rethink his desire too leave. You shouldn't hope for that, but as long as you want to rush to take care of his every need, he is going to believe that is what you were always supposed to be doing. He shouldn't expect you to take whatever attitude he wants to give you. You have worth. Listen to your true feelings. They will not deceive you. ~ Thank you. I need to go to the service because he has been like my own grandpa for the last 12 years. Maybe not as strongly, but I certainly feel this loss deeply. As for my husband, he has been kind...not sure what that is about.

Back up off of allowing yourself to think about anything but what you are doing the moment you are doing it. Let each day occur, without living in the past or the future and handle only that one day. ~ I know that mindfulness works. It has helped defuse plenty of panic attacks. However, I cannot wear this philosophy every second. I cannot stay out of my head for long.

If you simply refuse to let go of your overly zealous thoughts of Religion, then at least remember to "let go and let God". FYI - THAT MEANS - LET GO! Stop thinking of everything you can't handle and just let the minutes be only what they are. ~ I feel I am refusing to let go of nothing. I don't think my beliefs are overly zealous...indeed my thoughts may have become/are becoming overly zealous and thus this topic.

And if you want to go for a drive tonight, make him babysit. Stop taking care of him until he is willing to take care of you right back.~ He went downstairs and ate then went to sleep. I couldn't go for a drive if it was the only thing I needed