i just hope that things can be different this time, im not going to try to explain things the same way because i know using specific words can just give the idea or wrong impression and be totally misleading when you are just trying to be precise...

i know i have said it before.. its just that i have like a hard time staying in the moment and connected with myself so that i can convey to them my experience.. i do it with everything, ill be talking about something i enjoy and want to talk about even and stop suddenly, not sure what was happening because something just cut it off entirely.. wouldnt be so bad if it just happened a little bit... but people dont really care if it causes problems for you or not.. just hard to explain things when your mind wants to do something else or something, maybe nothing at all..
i just hate the idea of saying something and it being misinterpreted because i know that i probably just sound really crazy... i've just been trying to deal with this stuff for too long and its really taken a toll...

but im going to do my best to just give them what "i am" instead of going on with a pen and paper about things... im too tired to completely try to do everything for them anyway.. that stuff isnt really important anyway, whats important is how my life is being effected i guess...

it is nice that they made an appointment for me so soon.. last time it took several months just to get intake type information together... but maybe they were able to prioritize me some how..? it doesnt matter, im just glad because its enough time for me to try to get used to the idea of going there, but not too much time for me to really start freaking out about being a different person when i talk to them...

i have kind of gone numb to the idea again... "it is what it is"
but i know im going to find myself in that small waiting room, thinking to myself, what am i doing here... this room is so small... even if no one else is in the room, but if the room is full ...
it just sucks when you dont feel anything, but you know at a pendrop too much can turn on at once...

i just really hate doing these things.. i wish that i didnt have to do any of this
it has to be a good thing though.. better than not doing anything