Soooo... I may have missed an earlier thread but it sounds like you feel worse without them- so why did you stop taking them in the first place?
You sound scared and vulnerable... Maybe you should wait until you have all of your ducks in a row (support from your MH team, friends, family, etc.) and then make an effort to stop, if that is what you want to do.
And also, as long as you didn't get rid of the meds, you could always go back on them.