So my session:

Actually was a good one, we talked about my abandonment issue, his reassurance that he is not leaving me, and that he has no plans on leaving me, he hopes to see me for a long time in the future, not necessarily as his client, but as someone that maybe helps others that are dealing with what I am dealing with right now. Says my abandonment issues come from being told always that if I let the secret out, or tell anyone then everyone will be taken away from me, and or I will be taken away from the family. Something that was said to me so often that I believe it, and still do. After I disclosed my husband and I went through a rough time, and he left for a few months, nothign to do with disclosure but the timing brought about all those feelings of abandonment, and then T's responsiveness lately only increased my feelings.

His frustration lately was due to my struggling, he felt that I was struggling so bad and suffering that his work was only making things more difficult for me. He felt like he was hitting a brick wall with me, and once he felt I was stable enough he needed to step back and access his own feelings on this case. He is upset that one of the perpetrators is still walking around living a normal life and not feeling the pain that he is causing me, and feels frustrated that he is not suffering as I am. One of my abusers still comes around and still bullies and makes me feel like that little girl again. I can't seem to stop him, I always go back to my old ways when he comes around, he has been told so many times to stay away, yet he continues to show up. This makes my T so upset, and he knows it has to be me to stand up to him eventually and take him down.......just wish it was sooner then later!!

The next part of the session, we talked about my issue with him telling me the hardest part is over, once I disclosed. That was the hardest part and it was all easy or relatively easy from that point on. So I told him that if the hardest part was the disclosure, how come I feel so crappy all the time. Asked him if it was in my head, and I was making things harder then they are, although that is not what I feel is happening I told him. The emotions and feelings are all over the board, and I don't have the slightest idea what to do with them. So he asked what my feelings are, CRAPPY....... he asked me to define crappy......so I told him, guilt, sadness, hoplessness, angry, shame, so he said that he was sorry that he led me to believe that the worse part is over, from what he has learned and experienced it will take years to figure out and process all these emotions that surround csa victims. Something we have plenty of time to work on.......so yes it isn't all in my head.....I thought I was really turning into a freak.......

On the lighter side of the session, I went in with a paper clip in my hand, I do better when I have something to hold and focus on, I end up taking it apart and twirling it, or what ever, but I talk better, and listen better, I don't dissassociate so much, when my hands are busy, so we were pretty intense on the talking about abandonment issue, when the paper clip flung out of my hands and sailed across the room.......he kind of looked and said nice shot!! But I didn't realize that after that my hands were idle and I started to zone, wasn't talking, he got down on his hands and knees and started looking for my paper clip.......lol.......I asked him what he was doing, he said you need that paper clip, your not talking now, you need that in your hand to stay connected to the session......so I learned something about me today also, that I need something in my hands to focus and stay in the here and now, and not to disassociate during a session......interesting!!