The ups and downs, the hurtful things, obsessive bad thoughts, etc are all parts of your experiences of living with BP and bpd, this does not make you a bad person. I try for balance, but that doesn't mean I hit that mark ever. Just now I pissed off my husband a little because it takes me t i m e to be ready to paint trim in a room (or to do anything) and he was ready an hour ago. So, I had to tell him to just do it without my help, even though I'm better at painting trim than he is, he's in there moaning because it's not working for him. Anyway, that's my version of drama today.

I try to have the conversation with loved ones to tell them how I operate because of my mi, and even though they don't always welcome, or understand the information, "oh, stop focusing on your illness," it helps me to articulate it. So, when you self-medicate, or do "something stupid," that's you doing the best you can at the time. Maybe there's a treatment change that can help you, therapy, meds, lifestyle. But, from your postings, I feel that you are an extremely, likeable, smart, self-aware person, so I bet the people in your life value for that and much more.