honesty used to be my policy, but it's come back to bite me often enough for me to reconsider my convictions on the matter. just today my penchant for telling the truth put me back to square one concerning my quest for professional help with panic attacks that have been troubling me lately. i had a psychiatric evaluation with a nurse practitioner today at the local mental health center. after about an hour of taking my history down we got into the discussion of medication options. she wasn't offering me anything i particularly wanted to take - antidepressants (HELLO? PANIC - NOT DEPRESSION) that have to be taken daily, but nothing potentially addictive. i could see where this was going (i've experienced this sort of discrimination before), but i couldn't resist asking at what point would i be offered something useful...after i'd guinea-pigged all the useless crap? and then she went into how she was unable to offer me anything prn or otherwise effective (read possibly addictive) due to a state law which prohibits prescribing such things to anyone who's used any illicit drugs within the past year. my crime? not coke or heroin or crack or meth - i've never done any of those. just a wee little puff of mexican ditchweed over two months ago, which i stopped because smoking it had begun triggering panic attacks. because i've done a little harmless (illegal - so what) self-medication, i can't be prescribed possibly addictive drugs even though i've never been addicted to and/or abused anything. lawmakers should keep their noses out of the mental health business.

I'M PISSED!

i just sorta wish she hadn't wasted my and her time with the initial history. in fact, i've wasted about six hours all together with this mental health center. if they'd just put a sign up on the front door that reads "lie to us about your past - otherwise you're screwed."

The panic thing was just a momentary lapse of sanity. it's over. it has to be, cuz i won't get any help if i ask - that's obvious.