When I say "newly diagnosed", I mean it was just 3 weeks ago that I received the diagnosis and accepted it.

There was a period of mania that landed me in a counseling office about 3 years ago. I received a diagnosis after spending a lengthy amount of time discussing my traumatic childhood and my hectic situation at the time. I was started on Abilify, but stopped taking it because I couldn't function. It felt like I was in a bubble and everyone around me was outside of the bubble. I couldn't hear them--everything was hazy. I was scared of the stigma surrounding bipolar disorder and it wasn't something I wanted to be attached to. I fell into a depression, got over it, and continued on with life. I didn't really tell anyone about the diagnosis, except for those really close to me.

A year ago to the day, my best friend died from a massive pulmonary embolism. We had plans a few short days after her death. Her death propelled me into the worst manic episode I have ever experienced. 3 months of mania lead me to 2 botched suicide attempts, failed classes at the local university (after maintaining a 3.75 for 3 years), and quite a few disagreements with family members about my mental health. Still, I was able to convince everyone I was fine and I continued on with my life....until about 2 months ago.

I started making really bad decisions, hanging around people that did not have my best interests in mind, and doing things I don't normally do. I stopped sleeping, eating regularly, and spending time with my husband. I recognized some of the same trends from the past summer and decided it might be time to seek outpatient treatment.

Due to insurance reasons, I discovered that I wouldn't be able to get into out patient treatment for months. After weeks of dealing with the stress of being denied the treatment I so desperately needed, my husband talked me into going inpatient. That turned out to be the best decision I've made. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started on medications right away. I'm more stable now than I have been in a long time, although it hasn't been a cake walk.

I'm somewhere between trying to figure out which emotions are caused by rapid cycling and which are associated with the grieving process.