I would share music but tonight it would be christian music and I know most of you would duck the songs and likely this post because of that.

My mom says not to worry. She says when I become too preoccupied with my faith she can tell me and knows what to look for. The problem is, I don't tell her everything. And, I'm sitting here basking in anxiety, borderline panicked, contemplating showering but aware that this night could possibly become very bizarre if I do shower. I feel like I have a spirit with me. And I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7. So, either this presence is an angel that has come to be with me and guide me and whose presence is overwhelming me, or it is a spirit of fear straight from the devil. Either way, it feels like a shower is the only resolution. To be covered by healing waters. To bask in water, to have it fall on me. To sit down in what feels like rain fall. To be rescued by the Lord from this burden. I feel like I could vomit this away. I am knee deep in the word of God from Scriptures I know from memory and in lyrics to the music I am carrying to worship God. I am contemplating going back to my old mentor's ministry to be cleansed. I just need to become worship. I have shackles on my hands and scales on my eyes. I wish I could shake my husband, cleanse his evil thoughts. Carry him through his grief. I just want normalcy. I need very much to sleep as I know that my situation could quickly go downhill but, at the same time, I feel like who would want to pass on the ecstasy that is likely just around the corner. How could so much turmoil be placed on a person with an ever present mental illness? I need to squeeze myself silly. And, I need to do something with this sex. I once believed that the Lord kept me from sleeping with my husband one night so that I could be made holy in the presence of God. I feel like I am becoming one with the Lord, or at least with his message. “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15:55