I have had the same experiences.
When we are subject to such trauma our brain protects us by "splitting". We understand what happened on an intellectual level but don't experience it emotionally. What can happen is flashbacks.

I am currently undergoing EMDR which works to bring the 2 together so that my issues can be resolved. When I first started this therapy, I was confused and upset that I gave up, that I let it happen which of course led to shame. As I talked to my therapist about this she explained that at the point I gave up, was the point my brain split.