Friend, i have felt your pain. Forgiveness is a VERY tricky subject because it tends to contradict everything we, as humans, can understand about unconditional love.

I say I have/do feel your pain because I am currently teaching a Bible study on the topic of grace and forgiveness. We are working through a book called Whats So Amazing About Grace (by Phillip Yancy). It's a phenominal book that dives into the understanding of why we are so valuable to the Lord.

We tend to place a value on things because of the world we live in. If you want a movie, you have to pay a price. If you want a paycheck, you have to earn it. The hardest thing, as Christians, to understand is that our sins carry a price so high that God himself had to pay it for us... enter Jesus.

I want you to think about something... when you accept Jesus into your heart and soul and strive to live by His teachings, you ARE SAVED. I also want you to think about this... because you are saved, you can never earn the amazing gift you have been given... nor will you ever get what you truely deserve as a sinner.

I know it's hard to comprehend, but if you can get your hands on a copy of that book, it offers a better explanation than I can give.

As far as the connection goes, you're on the right track. Take your time with it. Continue to work toward complete submission to God and His will for you. In time, you will begin to feel more connected.

I hope something I sand has helped. May God bless you with His peace, love, and Grace.