I have been with my fiancé for almost 7 years. We recently got engaged and I've been living in a state of anxiety and fear ever since that's wreaking havoc on my life. The worst part is I don't know why. My fiancé Corey is wonderful, the kind of guy that will take his shirt off his back for anyone. He's respectful of me, helps out around the house, is really affectionate, is supportive of my goals, he's handsome, he's funny, he will come apologize during an argument when he's wrong, we have great communication and I can trust him with my life.
The problem is I have been terrified of marrying him since the day he put the ring on my finger. Instead of happy tears, I was crying tears of fear when he proposed.
Some back story... We started dating when we were 18. We went to high school together but had mostly different circles so we wouldn't hang out together. My boyfriend at the time was friendly with him, however, and I was friendly with his girlfriend at the time. Several months after our respective breakups, however, we started talking. At the time, I thought of him as the guy who would say or do anything to get in a girls pants, so I decided to play along with his games and let him think he was playing me while really I was playing him. Well obviously that didn't work out and we both fell in love with each other and I ended up moving in with him by the end of my first semester of college.
We broke up twice during our relationship. Once because I was struggling with depression and not taking care of myself and taking all of my emotions out on him, about two years in. The second time was a year later because I was texting a guy who had given me his number and tried to hide it from him. Both times we found our way back to each other within a month.
During both times I was a distraught mess. I could barely function, didn't eat, didn't sleep. During the second time, our roommate Scott who we had been living with for most of our relationship together, met up with me to see how I was doing. I had always seen him as attractive, but never more than a brother. Well, after drinking at the restaurant I was trashed from barely eating for a few weeks. I asked if he would wait with me in my car while I sobered up. After talking for a while, I don't remember how or why but he kissed me. I kissed him back because he felt familiar and somewhat like corey who I missed more than anything. Essentially I wanted him to be Corey. We decided I couldn't drive home that night so I went back to his house (our lease had ended shortly before the breakup and we all decided to part ways - my boyfriend wanted to buy a house). We slept in the same bed together but nothing happened, it just felt good to be cuddled and held again. The next morning we woke up bright and early he drove me to my car and I went back to bed at my house alone. We didn't talk about it other than it was a mistake and shouldn't have happened.
Shortly after my boyfriend and I got back together but I never told him what happened. About a week later Scott texted me he loved me. I got aggravated and ignored it and never texted him back. A year later he got a girlfriend and settled down and that was the end of that - or so I thought.
Almost three years later Corey found out about what happened through someone I thought was my best friend. He had bought the engagement ring that same week. Needless to say we almost broke up again, but this time we didn't. We made it through and a year after he proposed and that leads me to now. Now I find myself suddenly interested in Scott. I wonder if maybe we were put together for a reason. I wonder If he's the person for me (he does understand me and my inner workings on a truly profound level). I wonder if he's happy with his girlfriend and if he still loves me.
I also wonder if I'm with Corey because he's the safe one. Because he has a house and steady job and he's respectful and I needed stability so badly especially after having to call the police on my dad for physically abusing me a month before I left for college. I wonder if I truly have a connection with him or I just craved his affection.
And then I wonder if maybe that's enough for a marriage. Maybe the fact that I'm not sexually passionate towards him anymore is normal and would happen with any relationship after many years. Maybe the things that are really important are shared values and mutual respect, and true passionate love is a myth
I'm terrified of all these questions and more, of my sudden attraction to Scott, both physically and mentally, and of losing something amazing because I can't just appreciate what I have. Please, anybody, help me