Hi everyone, I am new here but am hoping to get some advice on my current situation. To premise my situation, I am 21yrs old and have never been in a relationship(I am still a virgin), have mild social anxiety and I have just graduated from university.

So, when I was about 16 and in my final year of high school I began to develop feelings for one of my teachers. He was and still is married with children and is about 20yrs older than me. I was a bit of a loner at school, and I used to like talking with him after class, at lunch time etc. and although we never really talked about anything very meaningful, mostly just about my university plans, how I was going at school, a bit about his family and other small talk, I guess I liked the attention and company and found myself falling in love with him. As far as I know he doesn't know about my feelings, and nothing inappropriate ever went on between us, so I really doubt that he felt the same way, but at the time it felt like he was paying more attention to me than other students and it made me feel special.

After I graduated from high school I went back to see him a couple of times a year as the years went on until eventually I decided that it wasn't healthy for me and that I would try to see if spending time away from him would help me get over him. I last spoke to him maybe 2yrs ago but did see him briefly about a year and a half ago at some school function, although I avoided speaking to him. He doesn't work at my old school anymore, either.

Anyway, despite my decision and the fact that I graduated nearly 5 years ago, I still think about him quite often and even though I have tried various ways to forget him, nothing seems to work. Sometimes I will be fine for many months and will go without thinking about him but then all of a sudden something will happen to make me remember and I will spend the afternoon feeling depressed and lonely.

The stupid thing is that when I think practically I know that there is no future for us, besides from the obvious reasons(like his wife, and the fact that I have no evidence to suggest he feels the same way) we actually don't have a lot in common anymore and I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him as it just wouldn't work. Still, I am stuck, because even though I know all this, I still love him and can't seem to figure out why or how to stop.

I really want to move on with my life and want to stop feeling as I do but something I can't seem to figure out is holding me back.

I would really appreciate some advice,

Thanks a lot