so i emailed him and we will see.

i had this fantasy as i was thinking about this on the bus ride back home. the fantasy was that i said that i didn't want to meet him in his office and said i'd only meet with him if we could go for a walk instead.

i imagined us walking through the park together. me walking fast. he is tall so he can keep up alright, but i'm getting out some of my frustration with the fast walking. and i'm dismissive of him. and i'm clenching my jaw. and i'm resolutely looking at the scenery rather than being open or responsive to him. and he is trying to repair and get me to open up and i keep deflecting him.

and i start telling him about stuff but this time i'm angry about it. pissed off. angry at my dad for being avoidant and for not being open to me. angry at my dad for withdrawing into himself and not really noticing what my mother was doing to me. angry at my dad for leaving me. then sad. that that was the only time i ever saw him stand up for himself. when he left her and wasn't swayed by her attempts to hold him to the promise he made before i was born that he would stay with her until i was 16. that his leaving was the only time he ever stood up for himself to her.

pain.

he would be proud of me i think. for anger. because i don't usually feel anger. just act angry and figure out i must be/have been angry by inference (best explanation of my behaviour). that i don't normally FEEL anger.

i feel anger when i think that he might be going 'oh goodie some more optimal frustration'. i feel anger when i think he might be pleased that he has failed to meet my needs.

i feel sad when i think that he didn't intend this and when i think he is regretful that it has happened.

i don't think that he does feel that way, though. i don't think that he does. glee. %#@&#! him.