My T said she never told me I couldn't email but was curious as to how I would feel if I tried journaling instead. I told her that I don't want to stop but I think she wants me to. Her response was that it's not that she doesn't like my emails but she thinks it would be better for me to be able to hold onto the connection to her without them. I said I'm not ready. She asked what I'd tell someone if I were the T. I said I would let them email! She thought a part of me might think it wasn't a good idea. I said maybe but I need to do it and T said okay. I said we can talk about it again in a few months but not now. Emailing is such a loaded topic for me! Do you think it makes therapeutic sense that, after 6 years, she is suggesting I think about not doing it? It's hard to sever that connection.... T knows that but....

We talked about my being triggered by bringing up the end of therapy. When I said I was a failure she said "no you're not. It just means there is more work to do." She went on again about how kids go off on their own, parents die, and the kids hopefully have internalized the parents so they can lead their own lives. I kept saying "But I don't want to give you up, and I don't want to end therapy because it means it's over. Why did you let me attach to you and love you?" T said that even if she leaves or dies, I will still have the love for her in my heart. It won't go away. She also reassured me that she would never " just leave" like some of stories on the forum.

Again, I asked why she thought I have these problems. She thinks being in the incubator, my Mom's anxiety, the selective mutism (had to come from somewhere), and the fact that my Mom died relatively early. She agreed I want to tell her things and use words I didn't use with my Mom.

It was a helpful session. We did IFS with a part who didn't tell my Mom something, and I felt sorry for that part. When I said at first, that part was stupid and I wanted to shake her, T had me put the part that said she was stupid on the couch so I could just deal with the compassionate part. That's how IFS is done.

I don't feel like I have to email tonight. I see T next week and then miss a week because she's going out of the country.