edit:
i meant to add a trigger warning but forgot, not sure how to add it to the thread topic now..

i am reluctant to write, but i could use (really need) some advice on how to approach this..

i've been going through a strenuous period due to some revelations (to myself) as well as some more .. (um.. i cant think of the word) when people dont understand you and put you down because of .. stuff..

i have pretty much been freaking out in a great deal many different ways.. mostly internally... and the resulting confusion is just leaving me pretty speechless because i am just unsure of what to do or say at this point...
(which i guess caused me to frantically actout? spewing many things from many ends trying to discover a solution because i cant leave things unresolved i guess because im a little obsessive... but i feel like anyone would be obsessive over some of these things if they were in my shoes at the same time you know...)
i have not been relying on substances (alcohol/drugs) for a long time now (since last year atleast...) i mean i still occasionally try to let off steam but i was an alcoholic and i kept a distorted mindset everyday all the time because of things i feel... i mean i was a 12 year old alcoholic for like 12 years... but whatever...
i came to many realizations around the age of 22..
that i was trying to .. whats the word... (im having a hard time focusing..)
well, i was just trying to run from my problems i guess... trying to hide things from the world and myself by creating many many excuses and reasons for things to be.. i struggled with the alcoholism for some time before being able to come to grips with the fact that how i was trying to drown out some of my self was not working for one.. and was killing me for two... so anyway, i would not consider myself an alcoholic now.. i would consider myself sober.. well sober in the sense of substances because i don't feel sober at all...
when i was doing the things i did, i had many reasons for the feelings i have... many excuses for things to be the way they are... but without the influences i feel so messed up... i have only tried to explain it maybe one time, if that, but have jokingly told others that i already feel messed up anyway so whats the point in doing anything... not in the depressed sense, but trying to just laugh off how messed up i feel inside... because i can't talk about myself, the things i have inside... the things i feel i have learned to try to normalize myself... normalize my thoughts and because of this i am really confused because i really thought that i was normal for a little while...
its amazing how much you can shape the world in your mind, how you can present your world to the outside world to fit in... when you know you are different but tell yourself you are fine and are convinced that you are not different at the same time...
these things aren't really what im writing this about, i guess i just ramble here because i dont say any of these things to anyone and have never really tried to tell anyone and really never wanted to tell anyone at all because it just makes me feel stupid... different... and i dont want to be...

the point is that i have been feeling things differently because i have not been using the finesse skill escapism... which in turn i have been forcing myself into revelations and to seeing these things that i desperately wanted to hide from...

even though i started seeking help years before, i didnt know why i needed help... i didnt understand what was wrong with me and for the most part i thought that i was just being a little ***** because it seemed i would just be exaggerating things because i could do other things but ... looking back i can see how much i changed myself to make those things possible, i mean everyone can make themselves do things they dont want to... but i think its hard for you to make yourself enjoy things you despise and really dont want to do... but maybe everyone can do that too, im not really sure what is normal... i guess there really isnt a normal.. but just a guideline we can try to look at and establish that is like a "mean" value that we can apply to use in contrast to ourselves and others...

what im getting at is i am very confused and seem to have much cognitive dissonance currently... i dunno how long such confusion is "normal" to last, but its just not seeming to improve so... im just trying to go with the flow... even though it seems to be flowing in both directions...

i really dont like to stand out, i dont like attention... i dont want others to treat me differently, i dont want any special attention... im afraid of those things because its like being called out on something you dont understand and cant defend yourself against...
its part of the reason i have difficulty even 'talking' here... because i can be extremely analytical even if im not that smart... and if i dont understand something, even if i know alot about it, i will standby with my mouth shut because i cannot prove or explain what or how...
i guess which also leads me to self sabotage because i would prefer to fail than to defend something i cant... which i probably could defend really well even, but i dont know because im too afraid to try - simply because i cant understand completely and fully... but then again there isn't one thing in the world that i completely understand... not one thing i can defend... i dont believe in anything apparently...

its just tiring to be pulled in so many ways... to feel one way and to not... to feel something and dont... to think what and not know how...
when you are convinced that the world is upside down, but you realize that it is completely upside right... when things seem so wrong, but you are convinced everything is as it should be.. i have a hard time trying to put into words the feelings of my "being"... because when i try i have so many conflicts that i have to confront... on the inside... and then to confront them on the outside when the listener becomes confused because what i have just said sounds so... far out there, i guess
i am just under the impression this is what cognitive dissonance is... and to me the utmost confusion...
because i cant solidify myself, i cant make concrete my feelings or thoughts... maybe because i dont know what those are... i dont know what i am... i dont know what i feel... but i do, i do know... i feel many things... i feel too much.... but i dont feel anything... and how do you tell someone this? you can't without them looking at you like you are high or just retarded... like you are just totally delusional or, well the list can go on..
i don't know... i hide from it... i hide from myself... i hide from everything... i have so much trouble trying to face the things that i know i am facing... to realize the truth behind what the lies hide... but im not a liar, and im not making things up... but i am.... these things i feel like are not possible for a "normal" person to do... sure anyone can fake stuff, people can fake anything... but i have nothing to prove... nothing to gain...
is it possible for a normal person to experience..?
i can be highly analytical ... and i dont use strange methods on people to get them to do what i want... but i observe a great deal... i want to understand human behavior, for many reasons... but mostly to understand myself...
i could use what i know to become a monster... a manipulator, with many things to gain... but i dont care about wealth... i dont care about the greed or the "evil" intentions some might would use such things for...
i am extremely generous... i give everything i can, often the last of what i have... to make others happy... and i would give my clothes, shoes, whatever i could to help someone... just a lame example, when i was in the hospital there was a guy that didnt have anything... i brought some extra clothes and offered him some if he could fit them and he could so i told him to chose what he like... i dont know if the nurses liked it but i didnt care or tell them...

but i digress... my point is i have nothing to gain from any of this besides people to look down on me because i am different and sick...
so why don't i just snap out of it and get my life together... i cant... they told me at the hospital that "all" i needed to do was move out from my dads and get a job, a car, a place of my own, maybe meet a girl, i would be happy and successful and everything would be fine... but they told me that while i was bawling because i couldnt contain the hurt inside... the things i said from what i remember were not even relevant to why i was there or what they wanted to hear... but they didnt care... i mean who says that they just want their family to get along and stop fighting when everything is fine... clearly i was 'time traveling' but they didnt care and i guess just said i was manic so increased all my meds and added the depakote and perphenazine and stuff...

they were kind in the hospital... but i think mainly because i became someone else that just wanted to go home and realized the easiest way to get home... how i praised them and their help, how i made them feel like they cured me... the truth is i just didnt want to be there anymore, but i believe my own illusions... when i learned their "treatment plan" and that they were not going to be assessing me or evaluating me the way i thought that would happen, because i had never been in a hospital, it clicked... i knew what i had to do... i play the role, i know how to well...
when i got in the car to go home, i knew things were off, i knew that i had changed just so they would leave me alone.. and by the time i got home i dont remember what happened... besides i know i drank some beer and stuff... freedom, atlast i thought... or felt.. whatever...

this is becoming long winded...

i am fighting the revelations that i have come to realize...
because i have told myself for so long that i am normal, that everyone feels the things i feel...
i want to just accept what i think to be true, but i feel like it would make a fool of myself to be proven wrong... and i can not allow that to happen...
i just guess i feel safer to say things here than anywhere else in my life because i have no-one i can... and talking to myself only runs me in circles...

i just want to say, maybe i have a really big problem...
maybe i have a really problem with dissociation... the depersonalization...
maybe i have normalized these feelings so much that i think its what everyone feels...
i have been like this for ever... and since i was like 4 years old i told myself that it was normal... and over the succeeding years i periodically seldom asked others about things vaguely they concluded and concurred that it is normal and everyone does feel that way and i just think about things a lot...

i am really confused about my life... because the things i feel are very different...
when i remember things changing, the way things started happening... not in the since in the begining because i cant remember the beginning... but in the sense of when i remember feeling it happen... sometimes i can remember bits and pieces of the preceding parts... other times it just goes completely blank... and the most of my life is blank... and i know how easy it is for someone to say that... they dont remember things...
but i sincerely cant remember many things... many many.... too many... everything....
it doesnt matter what i say... i have a hard time with memory... everyone knows i have some challenges with memory, even video game people because they will message me and i will talk to them like the same as everyone but then they expect me to remember who they are and i just cant remember most of the time... but i always try to pretend and play along because its easier to fake than to explain...
ill often tell people that im just brain dead because, well whatever reason suits the fit...
laugh, and then move on, and forget again... i've become accustom to people saying memory related things to me... even though it really hurts on the inside, ill just try to giggle about it... i hate this so much... but i dunno why im like this, maybe i did really mess my brain up... too much... too young... but i know others who did more than me at the same or younger age and they dont have any of the problems i have and seem perfectly fine... i say that knowing how it is putting on "masks" and hiding things underneath, i can usually tell when someone else is having those feelings... and they really doo seem fine... if that makes any sense...


i ramble alot here because i just have a lot i stuff deep inside i guess, please dont become irritated with me... i do just want a simple help answer or response / advice...

its just that since i quit going to that clinic before, last year, because they were treating me the way they were...
not listening to me or anything and then when they found out i was going to terminate services they send me a letter saying they were going to do a re-evaluation... after 4 years of begging for more attention to the problems that seem hidden... for a re-evaluation...
i never wanted to go back, i never wanted to step foot on their property again... but i am desperately in need of some form of professional help... and am left with no alternatives but to try to utilize the services they have until i can afford to get in with someone of my choosing..

so now i return to them, i have the appointment on june 2... i guess for evaluation/intake or something...
and i am full of dread, shame... confusion.... anxiety and depression... but i also go blank and dont care at all because there isnt anything they can do to help...
its so hard for me to simply leave the house, much less see a doctor, muchless do an evaluation and try to explain what im experiencing, when i dont have a bloody clue what is going on... because im so analytical and need to be a perfectionist and say things the exact way they are when i say them... but i cant... and i dunno what to do or how to handle these people.... i dunno how to handle myself...
because things happen to me that i cant control... i will end up saying alot of things, maybe very fast, maybe very slow... maybe i wont say anything at all, but they will interpret it the way they interpret it... and from my experience they can not read me very well... maybe the first therapist i talked to... but i was an idiot and was terrified of seeing her for some reason even though i really wanted to and enjoyed talking to her... missing alot of appointments and not remembering the ones i did do...

a big problem of mine is that i cant remember any of it... i dunno what i told the psychiatrist... or the therapist... or the case manager... all i remember telling them was that i dont think i am bipolar and i dont think that i have ever had any form of mania.. or hypomania.... but they just kept telling me to stop playing doctor and that i was bipolar and manic and just take the meds and it will help stabilize me... but the notes and stuff i read from back then from myself are saying different story... the meds didnt help at all, i know thats why i kept telling them i didnt want to take the meds because they didnt help...

but im afraid they will misdiagnose me again... tell me to shut up and that i dont know what im feeling or what im talking about and to just take a bunch of drugs... im afraid of being mistreated again... im afraid of them not being able to see what my real problems are... because i have so much trouble... with my problems...

i am just wondering what am i supposed to do... no professional advice... but just what you would do... what am i supposed to tell them at this intake/evaluation appointment...
that they got me all wrong before and wouldnt listen to me? so i quit?
that i think i have a bad dissociative problem...? have depersonalization...?

can i just request them administer the DES to me...? they never tested me for it before, i know they didnt... i dont remember them doing it... but i cant remember anything so i dunno if they did or not...

im just really tired of going through all of this... just really want a few answers so that i can try to accept my problems... whatever they are...
so i can try to get to know myself and what i like or need.. what i want... what to do.... because i am clueless.. and im afraid that im just stuck in a bad dream that i cant be helped out of.... and i dont want them to label me as delusional or psychotic because i really dont think i am.... even though it feels like maybe i am sometimes.... but if they think that they will push even more drugs on me... and i know the antipsychotics dont help... the mood stabilizers dont stabilize me... i just want help ... but it seems no one can help....
and i dont want people to thing im completely crazy... because im a really nice compassionate guy... i am just really hurt and broken on the inside....

im sorry about the long winded post again... i have a habit of doing this.. maybe its the adhd... hyperfocusing and zoning out or who knows...
i do have so much more i would say... but im just not.... whats the point going further... all i want to know is how can i get them to listen to me this time... im going to straight up refuse any medications that i dont think i need this time because i know much more this time around... and i know how the meds are.... they can help some people... but when you are like me and you change a lot it just doesnt ... well... whatever... why take depakote when you are not really fluctuating but you are just changing... a stabilizer doesnt change the way your minds neurons start firing so much... it can stabilize things, but i know for a fact when i change over it doesnt stop it... maybe it helps me forget and not notice so much, but it doesnt help... the antipsychotics dont stop the thoughts... dont help the anxiety very much...
flashbacks and night terrors were at the highest when i was on those meds really... i mean i always have them, but when i was drugged they were worse and i got all the side effects to go with it... restless legs syndrome for example is really hell... try laying in bed with your mind tormenting you then your body start doing that stuff... im sick of being sick

do any of you have any experience or advice for me to tell these people...
can i just tell them that i am not normal and please dont treat me like a text book...?

i also want to apologize for being so childish and being so... well... if you saw what i said then you know... im not gonna read the last posts but i know im embarrassed about it... its just that i have really been having a hard time... but im trying so hard... i hope that i didnt do anything wrong...

i hope everyone has a good week and appreciate anyone that takes the time to read my long winded posts... i have a problem saying things in a few words hehe
guess that would make it easy to write a book though... maybe one day if i get things under control i can slap a few thousand pages together hehe....

thanks ...