im just not sure if i can live with myself you know what i mean...?

i think asking anyone around me they would say maybe he had it tough growing up but he's a nice kid...
but you know dont know what i know... i dunno maybe they know things i dont know too...
some of the things i did i cant forgive myself for but i feel like it wasn't my life then... but i have always be nice.... besides when i wasn't... but its so messed up... the things i can remember really mess with my head... but i dunno how to tell someone that i think i have done really bad things.... but maybe they arent so bad, or maybe they aren't my fault, i dunno... maybe they didnt really happen, but i think i know i did do some things i am not happy about... i know some things happened that i didnt want to happen, to me, that i didn't do... but i also know that i did some things that i wouldnt have normally done, for some reason...
like i just have this image of a kid i was in school with, no body liked him because he was a little different, maybe not as smart, maybe looked different, but i liked him because he understood what it was like to be different and unliked... but why would i push him into the ground/toilet in the bathroom that one time? because of other guys? i dunno... maybe it was a dream... but i just remember feeling like why did i do that to him, hes a nice kid...

he probably wasn't bothered by it as much as me, if it was real.. maybe dont even remember it... but i remember these things that haunt me because they are some things that i should of never done... maybe kids would be kids... but i did things that i should never have done... i didnt even want to do, i dunno what my problem is.. i never tried to look cool for anyone, all i wanted was to just be left alone... but i was never left alone, people loved me for some reason... and i think i loved them... but i didnt want to be there, i just wanted to escape...
im having such a hard time because i remember things... things that i dunno why i did because i wouldn't do those things but i feel like i know i did and they weren't just some stupid dreams... i mean how do you remember a dream for 20 years any way?
i dunno, maybe because my brain is so messed up right now its making these images up... but it hurts anyway... i never want to hurt anyone... never wanted to hurt anyone... god i hope no one remembers....

edit:
im really a nice guy... i just started isolating a great deal to keep things from happening... because im an idiot....