i dont share many things about me at all, i dunno how other people would describe me really.. they probably couldnt tell you how i am but how i act or seem..
but some of the things seem so contradictory that i cant even begin to understand, my close family would probably tell you that i am quiet and reserved... i stay to myself, and avoid confrontation... i am gentle... and dont speak up much... i panic in public...

but the others less close to me would probably say i am fun... understanding... outgoing... i like to have fun and talk "too much" ... i make people happy and do anything anyone would ask of me...

the people that dont know me would probably say i look like a stoner, i dont say much but and i have trouble making eye contact... i avoid talking and seem to disappear frequently...

but then again the lawyers and doctors and judges that dont know me see mixed parts... they seem to look at me confused...
and all i want to do is run away, but at the same time scream to them HELP ME PLEASE
while thinking nothing is wrong and i shouldn't be here...
my life should be different...

what do i do?
i dont know... apparently i have personality issues...
i would say im borderline but you know, my relationships are not that chaotic... i dont even care about them.... people are better off without me anyway...
i have so many avoidant tendencies that it only makes sense to say that i am, but it doesnt explain everything else.... i am very mixed up and seem to have things from all over the place... and as an obsessive type reading too much psychology stuffs i am just really confused you know.. i have a lot of personality issues i think but i dunno how to tell people... all i usually say is "im a basket case" to the therapist or doctor... or "i am just messed up in the head" to every one else - and any other time i just say im fine or im just tired, i hate these things and if i just knew what to say i could take a handle on things and learn how to handle my life.. what to tell people... how to handle people... understand why i flip around so much and how to control it so i can use the same "good" things in the bad situations rather than just... doing what ever i do...


the reason i hate talking is because i do seem to have a lot of "perfectionistic" tendencies and i cant stand saying to someone that the cow says "Meow" when it doesnt at all... and i have to turn around and say that im not like that, i dunno why i was like that... dont know why i did or said that... this is what i really mean or am... and to keep doing it... so you learn to say nothing... do nothing... become a blank, you are a mirror and you can do what you have to to make it through what you have to... there are things inside that have the ability and know how... even if you cant explain... and it makes people confused, who cares... im more confused than them...

i just feel bad that my family probably feels bad for me... i try hard not to let them and to make them happy so that they can think that i am well and everything is fine...

i guess i am lonely, but you know how it is...
not being able to talk about things...
having people look at you, with that look... and you snapping back and trying to fix things quickly...
and they just roll their eyes and assume you just had a moment, which is probably the best thing you can hope for them to expect

are you sure i am not dreaming? i have woken up quite a few times..

well, i also keep these "creative" things i do to myself..
but here is yet another song if anyone wants...
its not that great, but neither am i at the moment...