For many years I had a voice that kept wanting me to ask anyone/everyone, "Guess what I did in French today?" and it was talking about 9th Grade (I think, I loved "that" French teacher now that I think about it, a beautiful woman who took an interest in me) but it went on when I was well into my 20's and even 30's I think. Of course, nothing interesting had ever been done in French class so it seemed like such an inane phrase to me to have my little head come up with! It would just pop up at weird times.

I finally figured it out not many years ago that I was wishing for someone to care about me and be interested in what I wanted and thought and had going on. I didn't have that growing up and never learned to express my thoughts/desires and they atrophed except for that pitiful expression. My stepmother was "in charge" and everything was done for her and in her way and I put that heavy coat on overtop of myself and buried myself.

I bet you had a genuinely sunny attitude, Mouse, were a "happy" child but that got covered over by your adopted mother? I know my stepmother told stories of when I was 4-5 and use to talk to anyone/everyone and you couldn't shut me up :-) I was always shy but still, could interact with others and be a warm little thing. I think my stepmother's anxiety/controlling deepened the shyness/my own anxieties and the poor, warm little one who could chatter happily away with others became suspicious and silent, a "watcher" only. It was great when in therapy I started reconnecting to that child I'd been before.