i emailed him my post about the walk. not sure if that was smart or not. just trying to keep working and trying not to withdraw.

i'm getting this thought again 'maybe baby died'. thats what i got to thinking when he didn't email me after it was born. 'maybe baby died, maybe baby died' over and over again. an irrational guilt that maybe i killed it. maybe i'm jealous after all. how can one be jealous of a baby? i can't have hurt it i can't have. maybe i'm scared because if baby died i think i'd lose him. he would need time... lots of time... the best thing for him to do for him would be to get the hell away from me :-(

just like my dad.

i don't want to tell him my thoughts about baby dying. don't want him to think about that. is my psyche designed to tap at peoples psyche with a hammer or something?

fear of weakness. i'm scared that he is vulnerable, like my dad, and i'm scared that he will need to stand up to me. that he will need to stand up to me by leaving me. that he will have to leave me. because... that is how life works. healthy people get the hell away from me and only the pathological won't let me go (like my mother).

i don't want this frustration to help me. i don't want to reinforce his frustrating me. if i punish him then he will be less likely to do this again. that is the rule about behaviour. i guess i just have to trust him... to be more than a reflex machine :-(

i'm doing okay. hanging in there. not sure why... but thinking / talking about it is helping. and... had a productive day today. some of my feelings... are starting to make sense.

i just hope... i just hope that baby is ok. he said something... about how the only reason he would terminate me would be if he thought he or his family were in danger. i'm not sure why he said that, but it really hurt. that he would think that i would hurt his family :-( he then said something about how he didn't think that would happen, and that that doesn't happen very often and that that has never happened for him... it just hurt me. not sure why. i just worry that i'll hurt them somehow. worry that baby will die and it will be my fault :-( and then he will leave me. i'd never ever ever ever ever do anything to them. but my thoughts... i worry that somehow my thoughts can kill baby even though i don't think anything bad about it :-(