Considering right now and in all my other posts I've been looking to understand a possible diagnosis for autism, looking back into this topic is a bit off topic, but as part of my psychological history, I think I should talk about it with my therapist and write about it here.

So, I've always been obsessed with twins. I clearly remember the first class in which a teacher explained what twins were and at that moment how much I was fascinated with them. When I was in middle school I moved from Oklahoma back here to Mexico where I took the opportunity of coming from a different country to tell friends from my classroom I had a twin brother. I had a deep interest for Photoshop at that age, so putting childhood images of me into one picture was great practice. Not only that, but when visiting forums or web pages, I would always make two accounts. One for each brother. At school I would daydream a lot adventures or conversations between us two.

At High School I kept this going, I made him an account for every popular social network and every picture I took, I would analyze it to decide if it was my brother or me, yet things got ruined when one guy plugged my iPod into his computer and found the carpet with the original photos from the photoshop mixups. So to avoid people making fun of me or any gossip, I didn't speak about him again. But in forums, he still existed and in fact I used to have conversations with him in many topics or private messages.

Things were normal for a while, until one day I searched in google: Why am I so obsessed with the idea of being a twin? The answer I found was: Maybe you are one. I read about womb twin survivors and about how identical twins when separated still have the sensation that they're twins. And for the next few years, I never got off the idea that I was one, and still have hope that one day I might actually find him. Problem was, I told people at my job about my twin, I made accounts, would go out places in his place and wouldn't stop talking about him, he was in every one of my conversations. I even started calling people singletons and discriminated them for being so.

After going to a psychologist, she suggested it could be DID in the few sessions I had with her. Once my parents found out about the Facebook page and saw all the conversations, well... things went like hell. My father freaked out, got into a fight with mom because of me, and although they got back together after a three months breakup, my father and I don't speak to each other anymore.

I read about DID, but can't say for sure if I have it. Black outs and memory loss seem to be important factors and the person with the disorder isn't aware of the alter's existence to a certain point. That's nothing like me. The best I can describe it: He's my perspective of him, and the things he tells me are tips and guides that i consider he would tell me. I have a defined identity for him, but don't understand if I created this or this is part of the twin bond.

I remember the psychologist asking: Then when he takes your place (I call it that), are you aware?
I think it's different. Sometimes I get the feeling everything is an illusion or that I'm not real. That everything is kind of like a matrix we can't escape. If this happens, I soon after start wondering if I am myself or my brother, that maybe I've been trying to act like one twin, when actually I'm the other. Or that maybe my personality is a fake attempt to keep my brother's image alive and that actually it's my instinct fighting for my real identity and to stop trying to be my brother. And I just feel different moods, different ideas, different personality I guess. But I don't understand what the feelings mean.