((((hugs to whoever wants them)))) (I've always been a huggy person and could never resist one when offered..)

sorry it's been a lil bit since I came by.. had a nasty week or so.. I got some devastating news.. I was diagnosed with Uterine Sarcoma, a type of cancer in the muscle of my uterus.. the doctors thought they caught it early enough that it was treatable but I had to go in for a laproscopic biopsy so the doctors would know exactly where things stood.. the night before I was supposed to go in for the procedure - hours before being admitted to the hospital - he chose to pick more fights and yell and curse and put me down again.. to the point where I was shaking and crying so badly I wasn't sure if I could even go in.. not one fight that night, but 3.. a couple hours before the procedure he apologized, wanting me to know he did love me..

The night I got home from the procedure there was more fighting.. him putting himself and the characters in his video game before me.. I had been asking him for weeks to help me with stuff and here he was scheduling stuff with playing his video game that would mean he couldn't help me like I had been asking for weeks.. I was furious.. I had had enough.. I went to end things and he went into his usual nasty tirade.. I should go f' off.. I'm nothing to him.. He wants me the f' out of his life.. I took that time to gather his stuff from throughout my house, boxing it all up to mail back to him..

To top it all off, a friend had asked me a few questions about everything afterwards.. wondering if maybe he had been cheating on me.. so I went and logged into his email.. there was emails with pics of other girls in there and dating service emails with his latest matches.. I tried confronting him with this.. He tried telling me that the dating service matches were from when we had went to a personals site together to chuckle at my ex-brother-in-law's ad.. funny thing is, I logged on there too and in the 9 months since then, I've never gotten a list of matches though he's gotten plenty.. about the pics of other girls, he claims they're old friends he knew online and that I shouldn't be upset since I've shown others my pic and had others send me theirs.. funny thing about that though is I've never hid getting pics from him like he did these and he always knew the people I was talking to and these were women I never even heard of.. A comment that he had made to me before we ever got together rang in my ears.. that he had never been faithful to any girl he had ever been with..

I can't go back anymore... I've packed up anything of his that was around my house to send back to him.. even if he wasn't cheating (I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt in the absence of concrete proof), him picking fights like that right before I'm supposed to go in the hospital for tests shows that he couldn't possibly love me like he claims..

I'm starting to get afraid though that I'm so accustomed to being in abusive relationships.. what if I'm incapable of ever finding a healthy one?

~ Beth