Right. I did my own research on the female ejaculation over the years when it became such a problem during sex. I am sorry that you feel dread and shame when you climax through masturbation, which happens for a multitude of reasons. But if you think this can be resolved by seeing a physician that specializes in urology/women's health, then go for it.

And yeah, my mother was the one who brought it up (masturbation) one day when I was a teen because she suspected that I would start around that time. I feel uncomfortable when she randomly talks about it because, well, she is family (and I disagree with her).

When you talk to your fiancee, let him love you. It does not need to lead to anything sexual, but just let him care for you. This is a sensitive subject, and you both need to bond over it. Be gentle with yourself, Finniky.