:/ i can't believe i write so much, but i guess im just trying to collect thoughts so that i can try to understand.. try to figure things out at least enough to talk to the doc about it.. i have a really hard time talking most of the time :/
but like yesterday i rode with my dad to my uncles and ended up acting weird again, but i guess i just do it so no one knows what i feel inside - its just like dad said on the trip though that i dont seem to have too much problem talking even though i have really bad anxiety, but i do have a lot of trouble talking.. i kind of just disconnect sometimes and go on auto pilot or something.. which just makes things more confusing because im just confusing everyone around me as well as my self ?

im pretty weird :/ but im persistent so im sure ill figure things out some day..

thanks for your response, sometimes its nice just to hear someone else say anything, doesnt really prove that this is all is not just a bad dream, but it helps give a little hope that its not, dunno if that is a good thing or bad thing yet

im gonna try to just see what they say to me because they have all of the record from before and the new report from the psychologist i saw in january..
just answer questions the best i can i guess and hope that i dont get sick or pass out or anything.. im going to try really hard to remember to tell them about the memory problem and dissociation/depersonalization stuff, but my memory.. i forget alot of things especially when going in to try to talk to them
for a little while i tried to write things down so i could take it in with me but the psychiatrist / nurse or case manager didnt seem very interested in it.. the case manager would read it but wouldn't really do anything with it so i just kind of stopped.. i mean after a while of not being heard and feeling ignored and not helped you kind of lose a lot of hope and lose faith and stuff.. it was really hard for me to quit going to the clinic because i dont want to disapoint anyone, make anyone angry with me.. but i had to because there just was no way i could see that psychiatrist again... i dunno if he didnt like me or just thought i was pulling his chains or what he thought but it really messed me up because i wanted to trust him and for him to help but he didnt seem to really care... oh well, he's retired so im going to try to start over.. and im not going to rely on those people so much as to try to develop a relationship with a therapist so that T can help ... because T will listen...
i just have to figure out some kind of way to handle the fear and anxiety... and some how to keep myself grounded so that i will remember the sessions..

cant hurt to try a little bit more... im getting no where fast doing what i have been doing and the GP cant help me at all because im just "complex" so they say..
i just hope they don't hurt me again by treating me the way they did before... maybe they thought i just wasn't trying or it looked like i wasn't trying.. but i have been fighting for a long time and trying really hard for a long time.. i dunno what it looks like to other people

im gonna try to take meds if the recomend them... i just dont want anything that will make me gain weight again because i am probably back down to 150lbs or so and i dont wanna get back up to 190.. i was 130 when i started going to the clinic but they said i was borderline underweight and wouldnt hurt to gain a little weight anyway and i was just like err... ok...

but yeah, thanks again.. being stubborn i guess i will just keep trying things until something works :/ i need to get things together so i can start living a real life..

i really try not to write too much here because i dont want to cause any problems.. its really hard for me to try to open up about things...
i guess when you are really hurt you just get to where you dont want help because you just dont want to be hurt more.. but i really do want help and to get better, but its just hard... especially when your memory just doesnt work.. and you keep forgetting that its not so bad and that everything is ok.. or can be ok, or whatever

sorry about writing alot, i usually just say its the adhd stuff causes me to ramble like that, but i dunno for sure because ill disappear in my mind and do the same thing..
gotta love being weird.. hehe