Potential trigger warning - sexual content


So i've had a bipolar diagnosis for years, but recently got ptsd added. Well actually, i was told i had this years ago, but didn't believe it until recently. There were stories in the media about woman who were sexually assaulted, and their characters were ripped apart and he went free. I had similar experiences to this when i was 13 and 14, and only realizing now that it wasn't really consent with adult men when i was in a vulnerable position. I'm in my 30s now, and even in the last year I was with a guy for a month who was violent and degrading, but I convinced myself i was into it, until it got too much and i had to leave.

Anyways in the past couple months i've been having flashbacks and anxiety to the stuff that happened when i was a kid. And i've been acting out sexually, like 6 partners in the past 4 weeks, a couple of them were total strangers. A couple were together on the weekend and gave me a drug i'd never done, ghb, which i was scared about, but ended up relaxing and participating in things i regret. Everything is so complicated. I'm not eating or sleeping, like dropped 5 lbs without trying. And work has been really intense - interestjng and awesome, but intense. Getting assigned projects because i'm super productive.

Anyways, Friday i'm doing my first mdma therapy session. It's legal under a research exemption, and the drug comes from a proper pharmacy with controlled dose. I'm excited and hoping to make real progress, but also very anxious.

I don't know why i'm posting here, just shouting out into the void and seeing if anyone can relate. Also, i am not a victim now, i take full responsibility for my decisions and actions in the last month.