Quote:
Originally Posted by mehverything
Sounds like you're me but in a year's time.
I'm a 21 year old guy and I'm making my way through a period of self discovery at uni. I found your post through googling "no desire for friendship", after realising that I don't think of anyone as a best friend or close friend. I find it hard to truly call someone (like a close peer) a friend however long I've spent with them. It hit me hard that almost everyone I've ever known has lost interest in me since I stopped going to school with them. My hurt feelings were probably because I thought not having lasting friends meant I was a loser, but not that I was sad any of them in particular were gone.
I've been looking at something called (covert) Schizoid Personality Disorder, and I have been wondering if my general indifference towards company, friendship, and personal attachment are necessarily a symptom of this personality type.
I'll bullet a few notable relevant qualities I think I have:
- I have almost always been content with staying at home alone, doing my own things
- I'm particularly outgoing and can just approach people, with no social fear
- I don't get noticably embarassed when I cock up
- I can have a good night when out with people, clubbing, meeting new folks
- Some times I want to be alone
- I can be pretty stone faced in social situations whatever is happening, unless I try to engage in the name of being social
- I always try to be helpful and almost overtly kind to people regardless
- I make acquaintance-friends easily because I am very accommodating
- I've found that in new long term settings (like school), I've ended up acquainting myself with a large number of people, and as a result my closer school friends would be surprised that everyone seems to know me
- My long term friendships have all been superficial, because of my lack of input away from the school scene, and little affection
- One on one I am dull as, my interests are quite solitary so they set me apart from most, and I am not a passionate person
- I don't generate many opinions passively, I tend to accept things as they are, and will find reasons to rationalise them rather than complaining etc
- When I was younger I was quite quirky, weird, eccentric, and I was aware of how other people saw me, but behaved like I wasn't
- I've recently had to learn to show emotions outwardly, instead of the mask I would usually put on
- I'm almost always melancholic and pessimistic about life, despite maybe putting on a happy persona
- My brother used to ask why I was upset all the time, but it was just normal for me
- I didn't like opening up to other people about my personal thoughts, because I wouldn't be able to explain them coherently
- I am not close to my family, my brother routinely antagonised me so i dropped him emotionally, my father was cold and barely had a conversation with me, my mother was a loving person, but I still don't feel an attachment bond with her which would break her heart
- As a kid I never liked to stand out or gain people's attention as a result of exposing myself emotionally
How well do these things describe you?
What is your opinion OP? |
This is OP, just from another account, as I had a lot on my mind when I made this post, and forgot I even made it, along with the fact I had an account on the site when I later made this one for an unrelated issue. Heh. Anyway, we share a lot of similarities, so I’ll only bring up the points in which I feel we are very different:
--I don't generate many opinions passively, I tend to accept things as they are, and will find reasons to rationalise them rather than complaining etc
I tend to be pretty blunt about how I feel. If I have a different opinion than someone I’ll mention it unless I feel the only thing it’ll accomplish is negativity, in which I’ll keep it to myself.
--When I was younger I was quite quirky, weird, eccentric, and I was aware of how other people saw me, but behaved like I wasn't
When I was young I never cared about what others thought of me, or compared myself to others. Looking back at my childhood and teenage years now I can see some differences, but the only things that really stand out is that I was shy, and also that I was overconfident in my abilities. Yet I almost always seemed to accomplish what I attempted, which sadly didn’t cause me to realize how overconfident I was until later in life when it was like running into a wall made out of reality.
--I'm almost always melancholic and pessimistic about life, despite maybe putting on a happy persona
I’ve had a lot of bad things happen to me in life, and I was very pessimistic for a long time as a result. I’m optimistic now though because I saw how detrimental pessimism was to my happiness, and so my outlook on life gradually changed during the past 1.5 years where I’ve made a huge effort to better myself.
--My brother used to ask why I was upset all the time, but it was just normal for me
I rarely ever share how I feel to people, and I tend to not outwardly show emotions other than happiness.
--I am not close to my family, my brother routinely antagonised me so i dropped him emotionally, my father was cold and barely had a conversation with me, my mother was a loving person, but I still don't feel an attachment bond with her which would break her heart
I had a really rocky relationship with my mom as a kid and teenager, but we’ve patched things up. That being said, we’re not that close because even though she cares a lot about me she’s very judgemental, (To everyone, and unconsciously) so I tend to not talk to her much. My relationship with my dad has always been good.
Overall, looking at what you wrote, I think we’re similar except in how we present ourselves to others. For the majority of my life I never cared what others thought of me, so I never tried to be like other people. I was home-schooled, which lessened my social interactions, and some other stuff, such as being bedridden for several years, meant I definitely haven’t had the same level of social experience as you. That, coupled with the fact that very few people have been bothered with how I act, mean I haven’t felt to need to act “covert” about it like you said.
That being said, I am bothered with it, but for what I think is a different reason. It sounds like it bothers you because you want other people to see you as normal, but for me it bothers me simply because it’s frustrating to me. I like to help people, but don’t like deep relationships, or much of a relationship with anyone at all. The nicer I am, the more people who want to be my friend, and I don’t desire friends. So I wish I desired friendship because it would be a perfect combination with my desire to help others, instead I’m basically at a point where I’m no longer helping people like I once did because it creates more negatives than positives due to how I am.
Thank you for responding. After looking up some more about Schizoid Personality Disorder, it looks like that’s what I have. I’m currently seeing a psychologist, so I’ll bring this up with him. You asked my thoughts, so I’d say you probably have it too. Sadly, our situations appear to be different in the fact that you have a lot more social activity, meaning it probably has a bigger negative effect on you than it does me. Regardless, I’m confident you can be happy. Even if you’re not like other people, it certainly doesn’t make you a loser like you mentioned.
Even though I don’t care what others think, the fact that I myself didn’t like how I was contributed to a lot of my unhappiness through the years as I tried to change myself. I’m the happiest now that I ever am simply because I’m able to, (Although not perfectly) accept myself for who I am. It’ll probably be tougher for you because you see the impact more, but I truly believe that through accepting yourself is what will cause you the greatest happiness.