Warning this article may contain triggers

So many of you maybe new or have had experienced with what it's like to have a mental illness... For me the experience of having a an illness is nothing new but a future lable and awareness of having one is. I've had this illness my whole life and I have handled it very well so far but I finally snapped like a twig. No I am not on any meds. I don't have an official dx... yet... and yes I am seeking help. However I have tried everything I can do by myself without outsourced help. Although a few months ago when I lost another job because of it I left all personal attempts of controlling it stop.

Honestly it feels like I'm a prisoner. And from what I've heard with meds and treatment it will only get worse. I put myself on a strict schedule; when to get up, when to eat, what to eat or drink, what not to eat or drink, when to go to sleep and so on. Also limited by what I can do, where I can go and at what time, what I can buy, what I cannot buy and to stray away from any type of relationship such as having a girl friend. Because for me it interfered with my schedule. Self control is more like self imprisonment.

I made myself even promise I never would end my life no matter the reason. And yet 1 year ago this month I was 2 steps away from an attempt. Now I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what say, no matter what I promise myself it will end the same and every year I inch closer and closer to the edge. It been miserable freaking life and now I'm back down in depression facing the same ***** scheduled routine and self imprisonment again.

I don't want to go back... I want to feel free... I want to feel some sort of happiness that isn't psychotically induced with constant paranoia... I want to sit inside the norm instead of watching people who don't suffer like this throw their lives away while sitting on the outside. I feel like an animal at the zoo watching people press their ugly faces against the glass poking it and teasing me with food.

And now that I am aware of it being an illness I can't stop seeing all these thing I do feel and say... it's like knowing I'm going to touch a hot stove and that I will get burnt if I do and yet I touch it anyway because I can't stop myself... that is a metaphor by the way, I don't realistically touch hot stoves. I do not agree that suicide is an answer and I really hope my illness never tries to convince me that it is again. For now I will continue my fight against this and live to see tomorrow. I can not handle the thought of seeing my family and friends grieve over a pointless passing. No matter how worthless I am.

For any of you who are new or have considered/considering suicide as an option, it's not worth it... seek help... I know my words are not encouraging but trust me on this. I posted this because it is only but a thought and not an action and the best way to get rid of a thought is to vent... if I didn't it would linger for days, weeks or even months. I am not defined by my thoughts. I am however responsible for my actions and the harm it would inflict on those around me.