i wanted to ask what is internal communication?
i've tried doing some searches for information but i get mixed results and it seems to be something important to D.I.D. ...
but im not sure if i can have that... although it could explain many things, i just can't say thats what im experiencing... i really dont like to be wrong about things.. i make myself feel foolish enough as it is (even though others dont see things as foolish that i do)

on my inside its really noisy, my mind is constantly running miles a second.. but at the same time its sort of quiet and empty like the noise doesn't really stick or matter or make sense most of the time and i just brush off most of the things because im "just weird" and "think too much"
i usually end up in a cursing match with myself because i wont shut up so i can focus on what im trying to do... like distracting myself by playing a video game or reading something that fascinates me.. but i just feel like everyone does it or atleast people with adhd... ?
i have a pretty bad memory though so i seem to reset alot ... like i cant tell you what was going on inside because i just forget i just know i argue with myself probably way too much - but anyone with severe depression and anxiety and self loathing and blablabla does that im sure..
i just get confused because i dont usually hear people talk about a memory issue mixed in with everything .. my aunt says i have the same problem she has and just forgetful, but she's on alot of medications and has done several ECT and stuff and is older and her memory problem doesnt seem the same as mine.. she just forgets regular stuff... my problem is constant and consistent... and really worrisome, i mean i might have a brain tumor or holes in my brain or something... and im not on any drugs besides the wellbutrin and im only 26 years and .. whatever... people tell me its because i used to drink and smoke so much but i know people that did much worse than i and they dont have these problems... and besides i believe all of this stuff was going on before i even started "self medicating" its just hard for me to remember... i do remember saying to myself "oh wow this stuff does help" when i was getting started doing it all, not to anyone else but just to myself because i never talked about anything at all back then, i was extremely reserved and quiet about myself - i would even get quite a bit frustrated when someone would try to tell me something about myself.. and got so sick of people telling me "just be yourself, dont worry about what others think" and not knowing why the hell they kept saying it to me because i was trying to be myself what a weird random thing to keep saying to someone
its like telling someone that feels perfectly normal and healthy and fine "dont worry, you're not crazy" and being like wtf? what do you mean? i didnt think i was crazy to begin with!
you know what i mean?

hmm, i put alot of this stuff off as adhd because i just have a hard time focusing.. even writing this i keep forgetting what i was trying to get at it sucks not being able to focus..

um..
i think im just having a problem being really detached.. when i do try to say things to people like you all i often end up .. i dunno what to call it.. spacing out and drifting off and staring down at the keyboard or my hands and just not able to think or really pay attention to remembering what im trying to say and i just lose my point and end up rambling about stuff or beating around the bush because i cant exactly remember what i was trying to say .. i fight this really hard all the time.. its hard to look normal when you just start looking through things or zoning out / forgetting whats going on all the time - please be patient with me.. my head is a mess

um.. anyway, i have tried to do some of those things i read about internal communication for DID just incase and i just end up getting annoyed, i really cant work with myself it seems - i just wish i could understand so that i could make things better.. wake up from this dream and fix things so i can maybe even enjoy life a little.. well, more consistently...
i dont really enjoy anything currently because i dunno what i enjoy... all i do is try to sleep enough to not be completely sleep deprived... and distract myself enough to not be completely driven mad... i really am in a sort of limbo currently...

i seem to have a lot of anger inside that never presents itself to anyone but me until i get so triggered that i black out and wake up in the middle of some wacky .. well more insane ranting, well mostly cursing .. which i never curse so it really makes me feel .. bad .. thankfully i isolate and withdraw enough to stay out of those situations most of the time because im afraid that i might accidentally hurt someone if they trigger me enough.. the last time i was horrified when i realized what was going on because i could of really hurt myself by smashing my hand through the glass table which it didnt break thankfully or could of woke up choking him out but i came to before .. i just ended up throwing my cigs across the room and then some how forced myself to run out the door and into the woods to get far away to try to collect myself :/ - mom said i just snapped or something but i dunno why.. because it was such a trivial thing i was talking to him about i dunno what caused me to get annoyed or what he said to really trigger me.. i just woke up saying "your F*ng messing with me, stop F*ng messing with me GdDmT" ect ect ..
i guess i have 'repressed' quite alot of things that i dont express at all .. i dont think this is relevant, not sure why im saying anything about it .. i just worry myself and scare myself sometimes i guess and im kind of desperate for answers/help because i wanna get things together and have a more complete and full life that i can enjoy..
without going to jail for some crazy thing because i end up being triggered by some idiot that just wants to act like a "bigshot"
its no wonder i isolate and dont want to be around anyone.. i dont really have an anger problem, i mean i remember when i was a teenager i had a period where i had a lot of rage.. but some how i turned it off one day and i just figured i learned that its good not to act that way, when i say rage.. i dont just mean attitude problem.. i was dangerous and just glad i didnt kill my brothers.. wish we didnt fight so much though..
whatever anyway, im rambling about nonsense again - can't seem to just keep it simple, derailing myself

i am so complicated its stupid.. i dont think im human most of the time, i feel like just some type of recorder or an observer that just watches whats going on with little interaction or control over things.. but thats just silly.. even though it doesnt seem like i control the body, it has to be my commands and control typing here, i just dont get to do the same thing in "real life" so i dont really get to talk about these kind of things.. in real life im too busy trying to control everything else and there is no time for any of the nonsense because everyone is full of problems and im no special... i dont like hurting people or making people sad, i like to make people happy and feel good.. its just hard to do sometimes when your mind is not working properly..
and the last thing you want is a problem on your hand so you isolate..
i just feel so ashamed and bad about not spending more time with my parents and family... making friends and creating memorable memories..
its just that i can't at the moment because of how things are inside... its hard to be myself consistently and i dont wanna give anyone any kind of reason to think that im insane... because i already feel crazy/insane enough...
everytime i try i end up being so weird that i cant stand it and i just want to stop acting like that - i mean its nothing bad but its just not how i am at all.. and it really embarrasses me when those close to me see because they really really know that something is off.. but luckily only my couple of brothers, sister, and mother know how i really am.. so when i end up acting weird to my cousins or something it just looks like im having a good time and a good conversation really annoys me.. makes me want to get drunk :/ because i can be such a dork, but everyone seems to enjoy it so i dunno why i dont

does weed re-enforce dissociative barriers?
been thinking that might be why i like to smoke so much because it helps to turn things off, or atleast make it more controllable .. i really dont like the inside so much... seem to be triggered by everything, just when im smoking i dont care so much - still get triggered but its easier to brush things off it seems.. or maybe not easier to but just seems like it doesnt hurt as much or something, i dunno i really have a difficult time trying to explain stuff because i've read too much and feel like what i say is just stuff that i've read and influenced me or convinced me thats what i feel when it just something that i can apply to something i dont understand.. so i usually dont say anything..
sorry if i sound vague alot of the times..
im really trying to be better about things...

anyway, im gonna stop writing, i've probably been writing for 40 minutes but im kind of outside of time anyway so its hard to tell..
i really am sorry about rambling, its difficult for me to condense what i want to say - maybe because i dont really want to say anything but i do so i end up having to stretch it all out..

i appreciate you all..