Holy crap. You should do this. Professionally.

Seriously, everything you are saying is pretty spot on. The only thing I differ on slightly is being judgmental about the right ways to act in various scenarios. I'm pretty lax about what others do, by and large, but am very rigid about what it a proper way for me to behave in any given scenario. And I have a lot of shame associated with that when I think I've behaved in a way I shouldn't have (said the wrong thing, didn't say the right thing, arrived/left at an off time, should have brought a gift, etc.).

I think the vigilance idea really strikes home for me. I'm constantly vigilant about all sorts of things, including vulnerability, intimacy, putting the right face forward, etc. Therapy has helped me to sort through some of these areas when they were not helpful to me (being hyper-vigilant about exactly how many vegetables and what variety my kids ate every day, for example, and feeling like a failure myself and angry at my husband if he sent lunch without a veggie).

Also, I've been a lot more vulnerable in my real life lately, both with my husband and with a good friend. It's been a real struggle. With my friend it's been easy, but it's been very hard with my husband. I fight myself to do that and be honest about what's going on, instead of saying what's easiest and will get us to move on the quickest - even if that means lying to him and telling him everything's OK or blaming my mood on something totally unrelated.

Trust is a big one for me, and my husband has been almost entirely trustworthy as long as I've known him. He had a minor slip one time, about 8 years ago or so, and read a private journal of mine. I was depressed and wrote down a ton of horrible thoughts to get them out of my brain. It was awful, and I haven't written anything real since for fear of him not being able to control the urge to look. You would think I could let that go, but I haven't yet. Another facet to the vulnerability/trust can lead to betrayal, even from someone who you think is there to help. Maybe that's the feeling that's coming up now that I'm trying to be more honest with him lately - like poking an old wound.