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Originally Posted by NoIdeaWhatToDo
Holy crap. You should do this. Professionally. 
Seriously, everything you are saying is pretty spot on. The only thing I differ on slightly is being judgmental about the right ways to act in various scenarios. I'm pretty lax about what others do, by and large, but am very rigid about what it a proper way for me to behave in any given scenario. And I have a lot of shame associated with that when I think I've behaved in a way I shouldn't have (said the wrong thing, didn't say the right thing, arrived/left at an off time, should have brought a gift, etc.).
I think the vigilance idea really strikes home for me. I'm constantly vigilant about all sorts of things, including vulnerability, intimacy, putting the right face forward, etc. Therapy has helped me to sort through some of these areas when they were not helpful to me (being hyper-vigilant about exactly how many vegetables and what variety my kids ate every day, for example, and feeling like a failure myself and angry at my husband if he sent lunch without a veggie).
Also, I've been a lot more vulnerable in my real life lately, both with my husband and with a good friend. It's been a real struggle. With my friend it's been easy, but it's been very hard with my husband. I fight myself to do that and be honest about what's going on, instead of saying what's easiest and will get us to move on the quickest - even if that means lying to him and telling him everything's OK or blaming my mood on something totally unrelated.
Trust is a big one for me, and my husband has been almost entirely trustworthy as long as I've known him. He had a minor slip one time, about 8 years ago or so, and read a private journal of mine. I was depressed and wrote down a ton of horrible thoughts to get them out of my brain. It was awful, and I haven't written anything real since for fear of him not being able to control the urge to look. You would think I could let that go, but I haven't yet. Another facet to the vulnerability/trust can lead to betrayal, even from someone who you think is there to help. Maybe that's the feeling that's coming up now that I'm trying to be more honest with him lately - like poking an old wound. |
It sounds like you have a good handle on yourself.
You know how they say bipolar and borderline personality disorder are so similar. It sounds to me like some of your trust issue responses could be better understood and overcome with some borderline personality disorder understanding and training.
I only say this because I have both. My bipolar was diagnosed in my teens, and in my opinion, my borderline issues maybe have already started seeding - but I think being stalked in my 20's then marrying someone bad for me from 25-35 developed my borderline which was diagnosed at age 49/50.
For me, learning to understand where each of my moods come from- BP, BPD, GAD, ED helps me to understand how to respond to them.
Example, last night I got mad - but for NO REASON at all. Of course, I looked for areas to target the anger at (anger likes to be fed) but I was able to identify that it had no trigger (so it wasn't BPD) it came from no where, so was probably a combination of a cup of coffee and my meds triggering a little BP. So, I tried containing it - I explained to my husband that it was groundless but I needed space so I didn't do anything I would regret, and eventually (today) it went away.
Understanding the place our extreme moods come from helps us to apply the right coping mechanism.
And I believe your correction that you believe you are lax with other people, but have high self- expectations. I would retort," yes but with other people that are strangers and distant acquaintances, .... or with other people who's actions can have a reflection on yourself?"
Know what I mean? A person can be relaxed when they are not emotionally involved, but strict with children, spouse, friends your out with in public.
High self expectation can help us to achieve, but it can also hinder and cross into over controlling.
I am over-controlling based on fear and insecurity. I have learned that I can trust my husband (he took a lot of punishment before I learned this). The bowls don't have to be kept next to the plates any longer.
I have learned that just because I think something is right, doesn't make it right. Our marriage has improved by really becoming each others best friend.
You sound like your doing great! Keep dreaming.