I agree with you - it is fascinating. I took your suggestion and posted on the Dreams board, too.

I am female, and I was raised with a strong, judgmental father, a mother whose primary judgments were related to appearance to others (particularly men/authority), and two older brothers who were highly competitive with each other, me, and in general. There was a lot of emphasis on winning, and strong negative reactions to emotions/weakness/vulnerability. I learned early on that vulnerabilities are targets for attack.

I am also change-averse, so that aligns with a lot of what you're saying. I wasn't always that way, but I've grown more into it over time.

When I woke, I was disappointed with myself for waiting, but I take comfort from your original interpretation of that (that I was restrained enough to offer the option to not fight, while being prepared to do so if necessary). I didn't have a racing heart or adrenaline, or any other sort of emotional or physical reaction going on. I can see what you mean about wanting to be fully alert if attacked, while also feeling prepared without losing sight of the reality of threat(s).

Interesting what you also said about the gi in your first post - that wasn't what it reminded me of consciously, but the other interpretations of the table/authority and feeling judgment comes with the male energy...I could see that in a real way. I've been struggling with my martial arts lately, following an injury and feeling ashamed of how much physical and practical ground I've lost while not being able to work out to the degree and skill level I feel should be expected at my belt level. I'm nervous to practice in front of our studio's Master, because I'm afraid of my self-judgments being confirmed. He did observe me a week ago, though, and gave me some seriously constructive feedback and praise. It felt like he was responding directly to my fears, which I had mentioned two nights previously to my husband; I had to verify with my husband that he didn't go and talk to our Master about what I had been saying - it was that targeted to what I had been feeling/fearing.

Anyway, long story short - there are so many ways in which your interpretations are speaking to me about long-term themes in my life and my more immediate fears, anxieties, and situations. Fascinating is DEFINITELY the right term.

Thanks!!