Beth,

I went through that exact feelings when I lost my career in 1994. For 15 years, I had been an aerospace firmware engineer (so what in the world is that anyway?.....software engineer in more technical terms). Before that, I was the student going for my BS degree so I could have my career.

Never once did I identify myself as wife or mother....even I was all those things also. I wasn't happy being those things which is probably why I never wanted to identify myself by them. That was what made loosing my career even worse because I didn't have anything else & everything else I had was dependent on the income I was getting as an engineer....so I lost everything. My career was my escape from home & family on top of it all. So you can imagine how I felt. Needless to say, that brought about some major suicidal times in my life which wasn't pretty.

I remember them saying how I wasn't my career & that I was much more than that, but again, what else it was was what I didn't care about that much anyway. It actually hasn't been until lately that I have been able to describe myself & learning that what I was before I got married & the motivated, hard working engineer......keep the motivated & hard working....& drop the engineer part...is still what I really am today.

I had actually even lost that part of me during the impossible time of my life because I had given up & was angry at the life I had. My husbands lack of motivation & irresponsibility had actually taken over my life too because I didn't care anymore. I got my first american eskimo dog & my first horse during that time & started showing my eskimos & showing in dressage. I did well in both inbetween hospitalizations. How I could be good at something I didn't even try at actually ended up being a strong point I didn't know I had.

Just before my Mother died, my husband lost his career too. During my horrible time, he was always telling me that I was more than my career, but when he lost his, he found out that is exactly how it feels.....now I am telling him the same thing he told me....& he doesn't believe a word I say either.

Actually it was just before my Mother died, that I decided to go back & take some classes at the junior college in the field of interior design that I absolutely love....far cry from being an engineer. I found that when I stepped back into the school environment, I was extremely active & took over the treasurers position of the Interior design club, became the leison with one of the professional groups & pulled a lot of weight at getting money for the club from the schools administration. This was the me that had been well hidden for years...& actually even more than I had ever been before. Then I was blessed with my new foal & that part of my life with my horses was really going strong. I was a mommy to the most adorable filly & she imprinted to me which really made me feel important.

When I went through the horrible ID theft & abuse that the home care person pulled on my Mother & me, I really lost is again. Everything was happening around me & I couldn't figure any of it out....I just knew something was wrong & kept on it until I figured it out...unfortunately a bit too late & the trauma took it's tole & then anger set in when they ended up dropping the case & she got away with it all. (I am still not over that all yet....but working on ways of making it right in the end).

After I sold my Mothers house, I knew I needed to purchase a place where I could have my horses & dogs on my own property without being hassled by neighbors or having to pay to board my horses. I had an idea, but everytime my pdoc would suggest ideas, it was always "I can't......', "I can't.....". Finally one day, I took a forward step & flew to Ky to look at farms...the only reason I did it then was because the air fares would be going up if I went any later. The rest is history here & the time I spent alone at my farm was when I truely realized who & what I am. I am a strong person who can do almost anything that I am physically able to do. I have ideas & can organize & actually coordinate with the best contractors. I can learn about anything & can even take the worst green pool with swimmy bugs & frogs & turn it into a beautiful swimming pool (never had a pool before in my life).

I also enjoy my crafts & love my music...just picked up my flute again & it was like I had never stopped playing years ago when I did. The confidence I found in myself was enough to let me know that I will be ok to take care of my farm alone....by myself....even after 32 years of being married. I know that I need my peace without the fighting & I need to not be influenced by the bad attitudes & lack of action that has drug me down over the years. I don't have to be the aerospace engineer.....I am me!!!!! The person that enjoys my life as it is for what it is every day....& as it changes, so must I to be adaptable,,,,,but never to loose my values or my drive to enjoy my life.

This is basically how I would describe myself today & the self I have evolved from.

Debbie