thanks..
i dunno if anything i say makes any sense because im just kind of confused about what is happening with me.. but im really trying!
im just going to try to becareful and talk with them at the clinic hopefully not acting too crazy..
i dunno what im going to do if they tell me im fine... i cant live like this anymore

it just makes me feel angry because i want to understand because i feel like really stupid and that im wasting everyones time because im just ... lazy or something...
but i really do feel so depressed i cant stand it sometimes.. and i have panic attacks sometimes... and i cant focus and have trouble with my memory... and blablabla...

but sometimes i just feel really...
well, it just doesnt make sense.. and it makes me feel like people around me may be starting to think im just making things up because sometimes its hard to see the things i struggle with because sometimes things are different - its just messin with my head pretty good, and im getting really tired
but i have scars that really do remind me that something is really wrong... i just will never show them to anyone if i can help it... i guess if they did see my body then it wouldn't look like faking... but who knows, probably just say i want attention...
i just wanna be left alone... why cant i just be left alone...

they have started telling me that i need to just act like i have those problems because it doesnt seem like i do.. sometimes, you know..
but i hide a lot, isolate and withdraw and i dont know how to show things..
i dont want people to think im just acting... i dont want people to think anything about me, i just wanna get better..
this stuff scares me, and then it feels like whatever, it doesnt matter anyway.. im in a dream, what difference does it make?
but i think im really unhappy... lol... i dont know what i feel anymore, besides just lost and confused about everything


but everything will be fine.. i dunno why i would be faking major depression and severe anxiety.. agoraphobia and social phobia and stuff.. its just frustrating.. and it makes it difficult for me to talk about because i just cant handle the negative judgements..
what if i really am just lazy or something and just dont want to do anything so i act like this? i just want a normal life...

i just dont really know what to do with myself anymore...
i think really that this is my prison... my hell... the torment that i deserve... i just dunno why i deserve... i just want out, i dont think i ever did anything so bad to be locked up in such a torturous prison..
what a nice way to let someone live in hell, surrounded by others that cant see your excruciating torment... trapped on the inside your death awaits because the outside is just a dream... but to die is just to wake up tomorow and realize that its not over, that things wont get better and cant just die that easily...
sorry.. i try not to say things like this... im so alone... i cant handle this...