I know you won't be able to see it through all of the pain you're in, but you are flooded with amazing insight. That is such a gift. Really, most people would just be flooded with the strong emotion and pain and have no way of making sense of it. Connections would be made much later if ever at all. But not only are you not withdrawing, you are also making sense of things -- I know the pain is still there, but the pain is logical and you have good reason for it and no one could ever blame you.

And of course you are torn between being angry at him and then worried that something is terribly wrong -- that understandable struggle between your adult and child selves. You want to be "grown up" and rational and reasonable, but you also hurt and have needs and they are uncontrollable and need to be taken care of too.

And as a side note -- I don't know if it will be at all reassuring -- my therapist said the same thing about the only reason he would ever terminate is out of fear of danger of harm to him or his family members. I've heard of others when asking for reassurance from their therapists getting an answer with the same caveat. It must be the standard answer for self-protective purposes. I understand why it would hurt, but I thought maybe it would help to know it seems to be a widespread response.

I'm so sorry for what has happened and for all of the strong emotions it has stirred up for you. But as always, as much as I am moved by the accounts of your pain, I can't help but be blown away by your insight.

Hope you have some relief soon.