T,

I haven't been on this forum in about a year. But tonight, I need to email you, and because I know I can't do that (that's a slippery slope and I just sent you a message yesterday, and we just talked the day before that), I'm writing here. To get it out.

Right now is hard. I know it is temporary. I know I have made so much progress. I am grateful for so much. I know this is normal. This is a huge transition. I know part of this is me falling into my predictable pattern of neediness.

I have so much I want to tell you, but I've told it to you all before. And I'm tired. My brain seems to be on fire and numb at the same time. I am nowhere near the debilitating place I once was, but I do feel like I need support through this.

Change is hard. I've been faking it a lot. I know we talked about me asking for some support from my new friends. And I told you they don't know my past and my struggles. And that I'm scared that if I open up a little, I won't be able to stop. This has happened in the past. I don't want to ruin these relationships.

So I'm asking for support from you.

Part of me wants to not make this move. I don't want to stay here, except...this has actually been one of the most positive years ever, I feel like I finally know what I'm doing, like my coworkers respect me. I'm terrified to change it all up again.

Last night I cried for a while. It felt good and bad. Today I forced myself to go for a jog. It helped, but not really. I reprimanded myself for not doing enough. But the energy wasn't there. I was supposed to go out with friends. But I told them I was too tired. I am tired, but I also know that is a bad sign if I start skipping social opportunities. Which is funny I know, because not too long ago it was hard to imagine being social at all.

I haven't started packing at all. I don't have a lot to pack. But I feel overwhelmed. And the traveling next week is stressing me out. I am stressed. Stress is normal. I know that. But it doesn't make it easier.

This is why I couldn't email you (again). Because I keep writing and writing and it is incoherent and long and truly unimportant. So instead I put it here. Because I needed to write it. To get it out of my brain.

I hope you'll email me back soon - on the email I did actually send. Which said pretty much the same thing but was maybe slightly more comprehensible and shorter.

I do know I can do this. Truly. But I also know I am going to need some help.