And I hate my job. I literally hate going in, I'm afraid the entire day. I think I'm developing IBS because of it. I can't eat before work, I don't eat much lunch on my lunch break. I have 3 days off, and I can't enjoy them, because all I can think of is going back to work. And then people ask me about work and I want to punch them, because I don't want to talk about work.

I don't actually want to talk about anything.

I just want to go back to before: Before I started this job, before JD, before...even though I was fairly poor, my job was dead-end, and my friendships were still somewhat unfulfulling, and I had no romantic prospects to speak of. At least I wasn't sick to my stomach with diarrhea every day. At least I still had that friend who'd always just been around for the last decade, checking in every once in a while with a positive, affirming comment. At least someone over the last 10 years was telling me I was pretty, and was validating me as a female. At least my life was predictable with my job, and I knew what the hell I was doing.

I don't want to do this anymore. I am not happy. I just don't want to do it anymore.

And no one is picking up the phone. Of course JD isn't responding because I am literally a scary, crazy person to him, now, which just makes me feel worse about myself but whatever; that's actually what I am right now. I'm scaring myself. And none of my friends are answering their texts. Which isn't new.

How come whenever someone needs me, I am there? It is my job in life to be there, to help--I literally get paid to help people, but I do it even outside of my job. But when I am in desperate need of someone offline, someone tangible, it's like pulling ****ing teeth? A simple request for JD to talk to me turned into the demise of our whole friendship. My friends? Basically can't get a hold of them when I need them. Maybe over text, but I could never say, "Hey, I really need you," and they'd be there.

Why the **** am I here??