So uh... JD actually responded to me. Color me surprised.

Basically, it was "You're acting like a stalker. Breathe. I'm not going to be compelled to do anything I don't want to do, but I will communicate with you if you stop pushing at me."

Valid.

"I am sorry you're hurt. I'm sorry I hurt you. I malfunctioned in ways I don't like. But you got very paranoid, and very, very pushy."

Also valid.

"You're more likely to get communication over email, but not this weekend because..." reasons, stuff, etc. "I'll email with you soon."

I've been talking to a friend for the last few hours about stuff in general. I have been breathing. I am...not great, but okay. I'm just unhappy in general. I don't like my life. I don't like how I behaved with JD. I am angry with myself. I am sad. I am mad that I have chosen a career which makes me anxious, and I feel stuck.

I replied to JD that I agreed, I am acting like a stalker, and I apologized. I said I am scaring myself, and I don't like this side of myself. I said I am malfunctioning in ways I don't like and haven't seen in a very, very long time.

I told him this, something I didn't realize until tonight: I feel our communication may have triggered something which I thought I'd dealt with, but has apparently just been locked away. I lived, for all of my formative years, with the people I cared about showing me very little attention and then basically ignoring or neglecting me. I learned early on to push for affection, in whatever way I could. I learned to be manipulative and hyper-vigilant as a little kid. And then those people left. I find myself in relationships with men who mirror the same mode of showing affection that I grew up with, and so I also fall into the same patterns of behavior I once learned. I'm not proud of it, and it isn't who I want to be. I think I deserve better, and I'm sure not all of these men are bad, they just aren't meeting my needs. But I don't really know what that looks like. I said, I'm sorry, I don't know any other way to behave when I feel someone is withdrawing from and/or neglecting me. Though I know it's not functional, this is, literally, all I know.

I don't mind sharing that. Especially because, hopefully, it helps me look a tad less insane. Coincidentally, I have an appointment with my T tomorrow afternoon--definitely have a lot to discuss.