My old T used to talk about finding someone to work with Mr in a 'reparative way', someone who would be the 'good mother' that I never had who would help me come to terms with both what happened when I was younger and the fact that I didn't have what should have been, a happy childhood. She made me believe that it was OK to want to be cared for and about, nurtured and to learn and grow through a healthy attachment. I spent years burying my needs and hopes that this would ever happen but I lost my Mum late last year and, like a brick wall, it hit me that the need and hope had been there all along and now they were all at the surface again.

The new T I am working with has shown a lot of this to me in session but I still think it is wrong, dirty almost and that I should not have it, that no one would ever want to be with me in this way. There are a lot of voices in my head and I am finding it tough to figure out which ones to listen to. We have spoken a bit about the relationship between counsellor and client and how it is like the parent child relationship and she sent me a poem yesterday along with some words about the similarities (because I find it difficult to remember what is said sometimes).

The poem was about an embrace and, if I could believe that she was offering to be there for me in that way then I would be so happy because that is all I have ever wanted, to be held tightly, physically, emotionally and in all ways, to be able to show my true self to someone who wanted to be close to me. But she didn't express that this was what she meant, she just said she thought I would like it. Maybe she is scared of frightening me off by coming close or scared of rejection herself but my main thought is that she didn't realise the struggles that lie behind this for me and how I need her to expressly tell me, in plain English that the words were from her to me and that she is offering that to me. But if I tell her then I will more than likely i will make a fool of myself because she will tell me that she cannot be that for me.

I have written a poem back which I hope someone may read and be able to tell me whether it conveys my longings, fears and thoughts in a coherent and understandable way.

The words you sent in black and white
They can't be meant for me.
Just words you think you ought to say
To help me try to be.
The person who I should have been
But that's not me, you'll see.

If I could dream for just one thing,
I know what I would choose.
For someone just to hold me tight,
Without fear that I would lose.
If only I could hear your words,
And listen to your clues.

If the past has taught me anything,
It is to feel no hope,
For to dream is to risk, to risk is to fear,
And that fear becomes my rope.
The tool for self destruction that
Without I cannot cope.

There are reasons for my struggles,
I want to tell to you,
But I am flawed and if you come near,
Then you will be flawed too,
I expect that you will, in time,
Realise this, leave and sigh 'phew'

You say that you'll look out for me,
But what do you really mean.
I can't imagine that if you knew what I need,
That you would be so keen.
It's tough because I am terrified,
Of actually being seen.

How do I know that this is real,
Know that this will last,
How do I know that I can trust you,
With my future and my past.
How do I know that you won't leave,
Running, running fast.

I should not hope but I might trust,
In what I do not know.
Trust that if I let you close
Then parts of me might show.
Trust that if you really care,
Then parts of me might grow.

I know that this relationship,
Is limited, of course,
I will never have what should have been,
But can you be a source,
Of constant care and nurturing,
These are things you cannot force.

If it is true and if you can,
Then please will you just say,
That given time and trust and love,
Then you will be some day,
The good enough mother that I never had,
In a very different way.

I know this way of 'working' isn't for everyone but there are some here who believe that it is a viable method of therapy and it is to those that I am reaching out.

Thank you