{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your post here was the first thing I read tonight. I am concerned about you.

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. It's hard to let yourself believe that people really care about you, but they do. I do. You are my friend and I hope that you will stay around. I can't really speak for other people, but I don't need to because they are telling you that they care and they really do care about you. You have much more worth than you realize.

Could your cutting last night have something to do with seeing your T? It's just a thought. You had said that you were going to be able to tell him that you had not hurt yourself in two weeks, but then the night before your appointment (which you were thinking about cancelling) you did it. I thought of that possibility partly because when I cut myself in June I think that it was partly about seeing my T. I had seen him the day before and was not going to see him for a month. I was thinking about quitting therapy (I'm probably about ready but I don't want to). I didn't know why I cut myself then, and I'm sure that there were more than just one reason for it. I was embarassed and wasn't going to tell him (maybe I wanted to give myself a reason not to quit therapy yet). He never asks about that specifically anyway. When I did tell him, by e-mail, he never said anything about it and hasn't brought it up at all. I really like my T. He's about the same age as my father and I wish that I could trade and have him for a father instead of mine. Well, I got a little off topic there but it was a thought. I get the idea that you like your T at least as much as I like mine. They're both good. What makes them good is that they are willing to let the boundaries blur enough to actually be a friend - not just someone who gets paid to listen. Caring like that really goes beyond it just being a job, and doesn't come without a price to them personally either.

Let's talk a little about this deadline of yours too. Have you set that deadline because of your husband's ultimatum about not paying for anything? Going through with what you planned might make him sorry for doing that to you, and at least get his attention, but he isn't worth it. He's not the only one who would pay. You and your son and your friends here and your real life friends and your T would all be very hurt, more than your husband would be. Who is worth more? It's not your husband. He hasn't earned that much of a price, that's for sure. The suggestion that someone (I think it was Heidu) made about changing your deadline to be a deadline for getting out from under his control and improving your life makes much better sense.

Sorry I didn't write back on this thread right away. I knew I would take a while writing my response so I waited to start on it, and it has taken me some time to get it down anyway. You've probably gone to bed already but you can read it in the morning. If any of this helps you I'm glad, and if it doesn't then feel free to disregard.

Love,
Your Friend,
Wendy

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>