I am seeing second T still. I've been seeing him weekly. This post was about my other T. I feel so much better when I don't interact with him at all outside of session, because, again, it's always leaving me wanting and longing for him. He did eventually respond, but it was a strange string of text messages. I told him I'd be lonely this weekend because everyone I love is going out of town but me (I'm sick), and he told me to clean my room or something. I was like, "Hah, okay DAD!" After that he told me to find some time alone, take some new "photos" of myself, and come up with more "inspiration." He then signed the message -"Dad." This is only feeling slightly incestuous. Part of me loves it, and the other part is repelled, like usual. Of course I up the ante by telling him I got new underwear and that perhaps I should make good use of it. Why do I engage with him like this???? I don't understand myself AT ALL.

And I'm still scared of the man!!! T2 is still trying to get behind the feelings of WHY I'm so attached and what I'm getting out of the relationship. He says all he sees is frustration, anger, and bitterness on my end, and that the relationship between me and T1 has never changed since I started in 2013. Maybe he's right. I'm so sick of feeling literally "split" down the middle. One part of me wants him so bad, obsessively, longingly...and the other wants to run as FAST as I can away from him. I might add that people on PC here may or may not have conditioned me that every single therapist that crosses a sexual boundary are evil people and scary predators. I asked T2 about this and he said that's not always the case, but of course, it's hard to really know! Is T1 like this with me because he likes me, or because he's messing with me and wants to hurt me? Which is it? I would REALLY like to know.

(sorry for novel)