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I really don’t know. It is some kind of drive, like I just couldn’t get to bed for some reasons. I have been thinking about it, and I have come up with several possible reasons. For example, some time ago an extremely noisy neighbour moved into the upper floor of my building, back to when I slept normally, and his late night parties kept me awake until the morning. Since then I have developed some kind of anxiety that prevents me from sleeping well, even though he already moved. That’s one reason. It could also be that I don’t want to stop all my activity to go to sleep, as It feels as if I was leaving something undone (even though I am not doing anything). Also, I don’t have too much spare time and sleeping is like closing the day until tomorrow’s night, which is kind of demoralizing. Though these are just lucubrations and they don’t seem too convincing to me. So I don’t know for sure why I do this. As I said, it is just an irrational drive.
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If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.
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