It's been almost a year since I found my husband dead on the kitchen floor. May 28th is one year. I've been handling it surprisingly well. I had a bad day on Tuesday but dammit I'm allowed a bad day here and there.

I've drunk a bottle of wine tonight so forgive me.

I was just thinking today how hard it is to be a single mom. How I never planned for.any of this. My son has been sick for three days with a stomach virus. There is no one to take the late night wake up calls, no one but me to comfort him when he is ill. No one but me. I love him. He is my world. But it is so hard. I wish he had his father. I still haven't taught him simple things like putting the seat up when he has to go to the bathroom. I keep waiting for someone else to do it but there's only me. Only me.

I just keep thinking about what could have been. Where would I be now if I had just confronted my husband about his drug use? But I didn't know. I knew he was acting differently but how was I to suspect drugs? I never knew. I could t have known. He lied to me, as addicts do. I just wish he could have talked to me.

But in the grand scheme of things, I am ok. I'm doing great, actually. I had a slip up in January. But I didn't get hospitalized. I managed to keep safe all on my own. That's a huge accomplishment. In fact, on June 13 it will be one year since I've been hospitalized. That's amazing. I've been hospitalized at least twice a year since 2013. The fact that I managed to stay out through my crisis in January speaks volumes. Maybe I'm growing up :-)

I'm so happy. I miss my husband more than anything in the world but still, I am happy. I didn't think it would be possible but HERE I AM. here I am. Alive. And functioning. And excelling.

I wish my husband could see me now. He'd be so proud.