I need to cut, but sometimes, like now, even that takes too many energies and i give up and i just drink or take small ODs.

i want to be a good cutter and sometimes i feel i am a failure at even that, even if i've been doing it for more than 10 years i still feel not a real cutter. i want it deeper, more serious. i did get some stiches every now and then but its not enough.

i want to be a good cutter and feel the huge relief that making a big slash gives you, without the fear of it having been too big, too deep. just the huge relief. of being a real good cutter...