I've been pacing all morning, just freaking out and agitated and raging and I don't know how I'm going to make it through work today without going off on someone. I just don't know how I'm going to do it! I have no control over the things that come out of my mouth right now. That's what it feels like! I was up all night just pacing. I'm ****ing losing my mind! I thought I'd feel better if I got enough sleep so I made myself watch a show at two in the morning but I couldn't concentrate on it, and eventually I fell asleep around three or so, and I woke up at ****ing five thirty!!!

And I called my husband this morning freaking out and just raging and I couldn't stop talking and finally he said, "Shut up. You are manic right now. I can tell because you're agitated, angry, can't stop pacing, you're racing, you aren't sleeping enough, you're writing a lot, you're having mild delusions, you NEED TO CALL YOUR DOCTOR ON TUESDAY."

But I don't want to call my doctor on tuesday because I'm worried she's going to be like, "YOU NEED TO GO ON AN ANTIPSYCHOTIC", and I'm going to say I don't want to go on an antipsychotic and I'm worried she's going to court order me and I'll have to which is a stupid thing to worry about because I'm not on probation right now and could go off all my meds if I wanted to and there has to be something I could take for this agitation that isn't an AP though I don't know what!

Oh my god. Okay. Deep breaths. I can do this. I WILL NOT FREAK OUT AT ANYONE AT WORK TODAY!!!!